What a laugh!

At one point on Saturday night I could almost see and hear my Dad in absolute hysterics, his infectious laughter came to my mind so strongly it was as if he was right there. I could hear his tremendously quick-witted puns playing out in my head, even though I struggled to formulate mine to share.

This family of friends are people that we have always enjoyed laughing with and have shared friendship through years of ups and downs belonging to each one of us. They knew my dad as the pun king. There have been one or two show-stoppers from dad that Tim Vine and Milton Jones (our faves) would struggle to top!

At one point we were discussing death. Mum was being real about her feelings but the atmosphere was light, hopeful and immediately we were laughing at last requests. Steve wants a hearse on a bicycle, everyone cycling behind and the chuckle brothers with the coffin...'to me, to you'.  When talking about the fastor pastor with a hearse on his motorcycle sidecar we got: 'eat my dust to dust'

'To Russ', we said spontaneously and naturally when thinking of just how many times over the last 3 years we have said: 'Russ would have made a pun out of that' or 'there's a Russ-joke '

George Bernard Shaw said: "Life does not cease to be funny when someone dies any more than it ceases to be serious when someone laughs."

It is important and liberating to be able to laugh, even when life deals you tough circumstances. Many would think it insensitive or bizarre to laugh through a time of tears but for me it has been a key part of my grief over the last few years. It's incredibly freeing to cry and smile together, inspired by a good memory, a funny experience or a whopper of a well-delivered line.

Thinking back, I know this laughter is nothing new. Even in those horrendous moments when facing Dad's decline alongside mum's illness, the comedy was not far away. Dad always called mum Mrs Malaprop as she is indeed awesome at giving us a giggle when she gets the latest words mixed up. But even among the strongest sadness and pain I remember joking about buy-one-get-one-free funerals and double wheelchairs.

Anyone who has been through grief, severe disappointment or hardship will know that humour can rear its head during the strangest of times. Some would say that it is nature's way of giving us a perspective on a situation and allowing us to rise above it.

I believe that God has an awesome sense of humour, inspires ours and loves laughter. Humour gives balance when life throws us a curve ball. Don’t ever feel guilty for laughing or smiling even if you or loved ones are going through a tough time – God knows your motives.

While in any kind of bereavement or disappointment it may take a bit of time to get back to the belly laughs,  you can still get lost in something funny or smile and chuckle at a memory, joke or situation.  Those moments provide respite and help us lift our perspective to see that life goes on and there is still good in it, regardless.


While the natural reaction might be tears and sadness, and that is important to express, I feel that allowing yourself opportunities to be thankful, laugh, or embrace a spontaneously moment of laughter, helps you heal too. 



Job 8:21

He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.

Distant Dads

You know what it's like, a few months before a big day and Hallmark starts raking it in - 'Get this for your valentine' or 'are you ready for Fathers' day?' Is it just me or does it seem to get more intense every year?

Prompted by the ads, I asked myself if I was ready for fathers' day. I was convinced if I tackled it head on by keeping busy and avoiding too much time reading facebook daddy devotions, then I could get through the day no problem. I should have remembered that these kind of days mean emotions are unpredictable no matter what. And that's ok.

Whatever big day the card shops and TV ads are promoting, there will always be people for whom the celebration highlights painful memories, a sense of loss, or stirs resentment because of a broken relationship.

I am so grateful and honoured to have had a wonderful father. While I miss him like mad, today I had a tangible burden for those who have not experienced the qualities of a good father or have a relationship with a Dad figure.

I was saddened to read this week that by the end of childhood, a British child is much more likely to have a TV in their bedroom than a father in their home. The Centre of Social Justice report says that 50 per cent of 15-year-olds no longer live with both their parents, with a million UK children growing up without a father.

It is totally awesome, and of course right, to honour and give thanks for our loved ones on special occasions. At the same time let us be mindful of those who are emotionally delicate and also remember that we don't have to wait till the 'anointed' day to show our affection.

It's no surprise, that negative experiences with father figures can mean many find it extremely challenging to relate to God as their father. Jennie Pollock wrote this week on this subject saying: "It can be tempting, when dealing with such a sensitive issue, simply to veer around it. There is so much to discover about God, perhaps it would be easiest to just avoid mentions of His fatherhood and focus on other wonderful aspects of His character"

"The Fatherhood of God is not just an extra, but a core aspect of His identity. He is a father who is never distant, He is interested in your every achievement and concerned about your every hurt. He will never let you down."

Having a fresh revelation of my Father God's love makes me remember just what a life-changing impact knowing Him has. The God who made the universe desires such an intimate relationship with us. Wow.

Song words that I love: "Oh father of the fatherless, to whom all families are blessed, I love the way you father me. Before such love I stand amazed and ever will through all my days, I love the way you father me. Father me, forever you will father me and in your embrace I will be forever secure. I love the way you father me."

Isn't that just too morbid?

To mark Dying Matters Awareness week I have decided to re-post a blog post that I wrote this time 2 years ago....

As I grew up our family seemed more open about death than others and there was even a list on the notice board for each of them - requests for their funerals. Occasionally people express shock and I think some think it morbid for morbidity's sake. But we know there are important reasons for this - so that those surviving would be confident, informed and peaceful about the decisions for the funeral and to be truthful and open about our own mortality. Knowing what matters most to them and the legacy they would like to leave is really helpful.

Plenty of people are uncomfortable thinking or talking about death or even spending time with a grieving person maybe because of fear, because they feel it's unnaturally morbid or it makes them feel vulnerable. Obviously this subject - more than most - touches on our vulnerability.

Dying Matters produced these findings: "Although the majority of us think talking about death is less of a taboo than it was 20 years ago, two-thirds of us say we are not at ease discussing it, according to the survey.Only 16% of us have discussed with loved ones where we would like to die, only 18% of us have talked about the type of care and support we want at the end of our lives, and very few of us have discussed whether we have made a will or the type of funeral we want. It also revealed that most of us have used euphemisms as a way of avoiding using the words “death” and “dying”. The most commonly used being 'passed away' and 'deceased'."

A spokeswoman from Dying Matters said: "Although someone in Britain dies every minute, our research has found that many people do all they can to avoid talking about dying. Unless we talk openly about dying and death we won’t be able to get the care and support we want, where we want it at the end of our lives.”

I have to say I agree there seems to still be a taboo about death and some people talk about it as little as they possibly can - or are constantly treading on egg shells. However, the healing and grieving process and acceptance often start through talking about these deep experiences and feeling free to cry a lot.  Why would there be so many bereavement counsellors if this were not the case?  I know everyone is different but certainly for me talking about it at the appropriate times really helps.

This weekend I spent time with my Grandad (93) who is recovering in hospital after a severe fall. Being so elderly these things are not always free from complications. We had a really special time even though we all missed my Dad. I knew it wouldn't be long before Mum asked Grandad about his favourite hymns.

I think, through my experiences so far, I have become more matter-of-fact about these things - I know my mother has! I always joke that she should set up funeral consulting - but seriously - she is great at asking people (often the elder among us) whether they have written their will or funeral requests down. Hand in hand with this is her even greater openness to discussing God with friends.

At the visit Grandad was perky and gracious just like Dad. The way he spoke about the hospital was so similar and they were concerned about similar issues. He went to great lengths to emphasise that all the good stuff in his life was "God doing it - not me at all." The whole time concerned about everyone else being ok and providing for his family - exactly the same.

In a life threatening situation or serious illness - we have a need to convey our truest and deepest feelings to them before they die - how much we love and value them. Sadly not everyone gets that opportunity - that is a reason to appreciate people in your life and not take them for granted.

We shouldn't be afraid of death- I know this isn't easy because so much is tied up with it like pain and sadness. But take an opportunity to think about what you think happens when we die. If you know Jesus and have the secure hope and confidence of new life after, death has no ultimate sting - despite very painful earthly grief. 

My dream is to live my life to the full, unafraid and trusting, with open hands and pointing to Jesus all the way. This may take more than a lifetime to achieve - but I am always a work in progress.

2 Corinthians 4:18 (New International Version)
18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Pain on Mothers' day?

- This post is from my blog archive and written last year. Thought it appropriate to republish in solidarity with friends who find this day tough. - 

Mothers day, like Fathers Day and other commercially marked days, can be incredibly hard for so many people - whether they have become estranged, have struggles, are grieving the loss of their mum or child, or have an unfulfilled longing for motherhood.

The pain that person is feeling is unique to them and made up of many factors that others will not always appreciate. Plus we are all complex characters. The frustration that no one else can fully understand their depth of pain is fair, in a way, because it's true - at least humanly - especially if our family situation is different. I guess this is why so many struggle about what to say to someone in difficult circumstances - whether they are going through redundancy, a break up or bereaved.

This morning at church we sang an oldie which my Dad would have championed in his day.  Crown him with many Crowns.  As I sang through the motions of the familiar tune, I wondered whether many would know what those old fashioned words mean in our modern context. Then these words jumped out of me:

"The Son of Man...Who every grief hath known that wrings the human breast,
And takes and bears them for His own, that all in Him may rest."

Well what does that mean? Jesus, as a man, experienced every suffering that humans can experience and understands grief, pain, anger and the sadness that we may struggle with.  On the cross He beared them and took them onto himself. Jesus offers rest, peace and comfort.

Jesus understands. He gets it when no one else does! He has been there done that and bought the T shirt. He will carry you.

Free to be disappointed

“Are you disappointed with God?”

I was taken aback at the direct questioning. Instant indignation. ‘Of course not, that would be wrong. I made the decision to stick with my good God and praise Him through any circumstance,’ I thought.

Resisting the urge to vocalise my thoughts, I took a step back to reflect.

A few weeks later, prompted in a conference ministry time, I found myself voicing out-loud a series of disappointments from the last few years, bubbling up unexpectedly from deep within.

Maybe you have been ill for years or can’t see a breakthrough with your non-Christian friends? Maybe you long for family or your life plans already seem dashed? Maybe you face debt, redundancy or grieve the loss of a loved one?

When we are faced with circumstances we would never choose, it’s only human to be angry, confused and disappointed. As we go through Christian motions, have we let these experiences cloud our view of who Jesus really is? Have we started to view Jesus through this distorted lens of experience, rather than through truth in Scripture?

God talks directly to Abraham and Isaac in Genesis but Joseph gets random dreams through Egyptians. Joseph had jolly good reason to be disappointed in God. His efforts to do good had been thrown back in his face – sold into slavery, he refused Potiphar’s wife and was thrown in jail and when he saved a cell mate’s life they forgot he existed.

Philip Yancey in Disappointed with God, says: “Through everything Joseph learned to trust not that God would prevent hardship but that He would redeem even the hardship. Choking back tears, he explained to his brothers… you intended to harm but God intended it for good.”

Debra Searle is famous for rowing 3,000 miles across the Atlantic solo, after her husband and team-mate was rescued after a week. It took three and a half months instead of an intended six weeks and she faced prolonged isolation and very real dangers. Sobbing at the oars, she would row 20 miles and then head winds would push her back 30. She said: “I had to choose my attitude. Nothing else out there I had a choice about but I did have a choice about how I responded to those things.”

We too need to choose our attitude, claim the promises of God and trust Him despite circumstances, And trusting Him doesn’t mean just putting up and shutting up. God can definitely handle us telling Him why we are hurt, disappointed or angry. Be real.

It was so good for my soul to be real and to expose lies and cynicism. They were replaced by love and freedom.

I have a choice. Do I let questions and mysteries become the most important thing? Do I refuse to worship until I get an answer? Or do I leave these disappointments and questions with Jesus at the cross and know that who He is and what He has done is enough?

I love these song words from When Tears Fall by Tim Hughes:

“I’ve had questions, without answers
I’ve known sorrow, I have known pain
but there’s one thing, that I’ll cling to
you are faithful, Jesus you’re true

When hope is lost, I’ll call you saviour
When pain surrounds, I’ll call you healer
When silence falls, you’ll be the song within my heart.”

Note: This devotion was written in January for www.threadsuk.com Two weeks later, I was challenged afresh to put my words into practice in this area again in 2 significant ways. I'm very much still learning! www.threadsuk.com/free-to-be-disappointed/

Free to be disappointed

I have recently written a thursday devotion for a blog site called Threads.  The post is about disappointments and freedom.

Read it through the link : http://www.threadsuk.com/free-to-be-disappointed/

Ill post the full thing here in a couple of weeks.