The week following my Dad's death all four of us immersed ourselves into really hard work preparing for the 2 services we had scheduled for the following Monday. We are a unique family and Dad was too so we went all out and pull out every stop. Emailing, designing, phone calls, meetings, arguments, photo searching, tribute collecting, writing, decorating, painting, printing, cutting, sticking, digging out belongings, arranging and so many more tasks filled our days to the brim. We certainly had no time to sit down and be miserable for even a minute. It was quite amusing when my brother-in-law's boss said that they would ease him back in gradually and he had been working harder than ever on his compassionate leave.
This for us was the way we wanted to do it because we were keen to give Dad the best send off ever and a thanksgiving service he would have been proud of and done himself. Most people would not have even attempted some of the stuff that happened in such a short time frame but we succeeded by the grace of God and it really couldnt have been better - thanks to the help of so many willing volunteers and friends.
We have been very encouraged and supported by friends and family with loads of lovely heartfelt messages, kind words and flowers - thanks everyone! I have kept my cards up so that I can re-read them when I need.
They say that there are stages of grief and they go in a particular order - but I think that, like most things in life, it depends who you are and the situation you are in. We all cope differently and have different personality types and emotional wiring. I have definately found that I am not a conventional person.
Most of the time over the last couple of weeks I just honestly dont know what to say when people ask how I am - I actually dont know! What I do know is that I am really tired - much more than normal and I dream of sleep all day and then at night cant get any. So sorry if you dont feel you know how to talk to me or whether I want to talk or not. The answer is I may vary hugely and also even flip within a small amount of minutes.
My biggest fear now is that we wont have my mum for long BUT I know I have to be grateful for the time I have her and really value her in my life. I will try to keep walking the tightrope of balance between believing God fully for a miracle and keeping asking but also acknowledging inevitable feelings.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow - as my Dad would sing
