I acknowledge that over the years as I grow older, I have gradually let cynicism in. It is so easy for me to revert to cynicism when we are presented problems that seem impossible or a vision that seems just too unrealistic.
To stick with Jesus on this journey is far from easy. I know that some of our close friends are finding it particularly painful. I really hope that some of these words will encourage us all to move forward positively.
Jim Wallis came over to speak at a work event last week and his message was really powerful and had a personal impact. He said of the British media that they agree about all the problems of the world but were full of cynicism. “Their response to me is “you are right Jim, but there is nothing we can do. We are just hurtling towards destruction, it will never change,”
“There are two types of people – the Saints and the Cynics - who see the world realistically. The difference is that the Saints make a choice to act in hope and the Cynics give you reasons for never acting. Cynicism is a buffer against commitment.
The more I think about this the more I realise that cynicism can so easily be an excuse not to commit to making a change or believing in something. Its a get out clause. So whilst its hard to keep going on this path I believe its the only thing we can do. Hope is a choice and a decision!
When thinking about the injustices in the world such as poverty, climate change, human trafficking, malnutrition, war and disease, this applies also. We could just quote "the poor will always be with us" (which Jim says is a misquote btw) or "my tiny bit wont make a difference" but this is a true challenge to us to choose our attitude.
Jim continued: “Hope is not a feeling, or a mood, or being a cup half-full person. It is the decision you make and it comes from this thing we call faith. Hebrews says faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. My best paraphrase of that text is this: Hope is believing despite the evidence and watching the evidence change."
Wow that phrase grabbed me: "Hope is believing despite the evidence and watching the evidence change". But what does this mean in my personal context? It means that despite the diagnosis for my mum's bones we should not lose faith that healing can happen.
Two more things I took away: "We look around us and only see mountains that seem too big to move. But we must remember that we are in the mountain-moving business! Faith prompts hope; hope causes action; action leads to change."
-----
Hebrews 6:19 (The Message): "We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us"
Psalm 71:14 (New International Version ): "As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more."
Friday 3 December 2010
Saturday 27 November 2010
Plodding on with Grandma
Sometimes its hard to keep things in perspective. Everywhere I turn I seem to hear sad news and difficulties that my friends and family are going through. It is really hard to keep all things balanced and sometimes I wonder if I am a bit of an emotional wreck - one minute being upbeat and the next feeling desperate.
About 7 years ago all my family were gathered for a meal and my Granddad (dad's side) told us how he may not be here the next time we get together. Everyone went silent and did not know how to respond to this bombshell. Suddenly I came out with "oh well, plod on". Ever since that day I have been teased by other members of my family for saying this phrase, I guess because it sounded endearing but a little bit flipant in the context. Also Granddad's still going today at 95.
I have also been spending a lot of time with my mum and I have been living back with her for about 4/5 out of 7 nights a week. One day when a friend was with her I went to visit my Grandma (mum's side). As I went to her church with her I had a fresh revelation of what an amazing woman she is. Whilst I am used to her encouraging phrases down the phone, it was only when I heard her say them to someone completely new and young that it dawned on me how special she is, passing on her pearls of wisdom. Her three Ps are her favourite saying "Plod on, Press on and Pray on". She really lives this and is the best prayer warrior I know.
So even though I cringe occasionally when I get the little 3 P sermon, I know that this advice is exactly what I need to truly take on board at this time of my life. Despite darkness, fear and uncertainty I will try and do all 3 because I know it will be worth it in the end to say that I did not give up fighting.
These words to an oldie hymn served as my reminder to hold steadfast and keep plodding on!
Jesus, I have promised to serve you till the end;
Be always with me, my master and my friend
I will not fear the battle if you are by my side
nor wander from the pathway if you you will be my guide
Let me see your foot-marks, and in them plant my own;
My hope to follow duly is in your strength alone:
Guide me, call me, draw me, uphold me to the end;
Then in heaven receive me, my Saviour and my friend.
Scripture that reminds me of my hope: (thanks for the prompt Creatormade):
2 Corinthians: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (NIV)
Hebrews 11.1: "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see". (NLT)
About 7 years ago all my family were gathered for a meal and my Granddad (dad's side) told us how he may not be here the next time we get together. Everyone went silent and did not know how to respond to this bombshell. Suddenly I came out with "oh well, plod on". Ever since that day I have been teased by other members of my family for saying this phrase, I guess because it sounded endearing but a little bit flipant in the context. Also Granddad's still going today at 95.
I have also been spending a lot of time with my mum and I have been living back with her for about 4/5 out of 7 nights a week. One day when a friend was with her I went to visit my Grandma (mum's side). As I went to her church with her I had a fresh revelation of what an amazing woman she is. Whilst I am used to her encouraging phrases down the phone, it was only when I heard her say them to someone completely new and young that it dawned on me how special she is, passing on her pearls of wisdom. Her three Ps are her favourite saying "Plod on, Press on and Pray on". She really lives this and is the best prayer warrior I know.
So even though I cringe occasionally when I get the little 3 P sermon, I know that this advice is exactly what I need to truly take on board at this time of my life. Despite darkness, fear and uncertainty I will try and do all 3 because I know it will be worth it in the end to say that I did not give up fighting.
These words to an oldie hymn served as my reminder to hold steadfast and keep plodding on!
Jesus, I have promised to serve you till the end;
Be always with me, my master and my friend
I will not fear the battle if you are by my side
nor wander from the pathway if you you will be my guide
Let me see your foot-marks, and in them plant my own;
My hope to follow duly is in your strength alone:
Guide me, call me, draw me, uphold me to the end;
Then in heaven receive me, my Saviour and my friend.
Scripture that reminds me of my hope: (thanks for the prompt Creatormade):
2 Corinthians: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (NIV)
Hebrews 11.1: "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see". (NLT)
Thursday 28 October 2010
Still I will sing
Ive always loved singing. Its one of the main things that makes me me. I can sing about most things and often sing when I am in the strangest of moods, happy or sad. Then there is that odd moment where the emotion grabs and overwhelms. These moments are usually because I am feeling God's presence, or declaring how good God is or realising his love for me afresh despite what I think of myself. Often these are the moments when I am singing through blimin gritted teeth and not feeling like singing at all. I usually end up mouthing the words to avoid unflattering squeeks.
I just felt the need to remind myself of this song 'When Silence Falls' which pretty much sums it up.
Version with 29th Chapter rap:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdFqSaz1xTI&p=DCBACACD927FA5D3&index=33&feature=BF
More Classic version with Tim's verses and better images: http://www.youtube.com/wat
I just felt the need to remind myself of this song 'When Silence Falls' which pretty much sums it up.
Version with 29th Chapter rap:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdFqSaz1xTI&p=DCBACACD927FA5D3&index=33&feature=BF
More Classic version with Tim's verses and better images: http://www.youtube.com/wat
Wednesday 6 October 2010
this grief malarky
The week following my Dad's death all four of us immersed ourselves into really hard work preparing for the 2 services we had scheduled for the following Monday. We are a unique family and Dad was too so we went all out and pull out every stop. Emailing, designing, phone calls, meetings, arguments, photo searching, tribute collecting, writing, decorating, painting, printing, cutting, sticking, digging out belongings, arranging and so many more tasks filled our days to the brim. We certainly had no time to sit down and be miserable for even a minute. It was quite amusing when my brother-in-law's boss said that they would ease him back in gradually and he had been working harder than ever on his compassionate leave.
This for us was the way we wanted to do it because we were keen to give Dad the best send off ever and a thanksgiving service he would have been proud of and done himself. Most people would not have even attempted some of the stuff that happened in such a short time frame but we succeeded by the grace of God and it really couldnt have been better - thanks to the help of so many willing volunteers and friends.
We have been very encouraged and supported by friends and family with loads of lovely heartfelt messages, kind words and flowers - thanks everyone! I have kept my cards up so that I can re-read them when I need.
They say that there are stages of grief and they go in a particular order - but I think that, like most things in life, it depends who you are and the situation you are in. We all cope differently and have different personality types and emotional wiring. I have definately found that I am not a conventional person.
Most of the time over the last couple of weeks I just honestly dont know what to say when people ask how I am - I actually dont know! What I do know is that I am really tired - much more than normal and I dream of sleep all day and then at night cant get any. So sorry if you dont feel you know how to talk to me or whether I want to talk or not. The answer is I may vary hugely and also even flip within a small amount of minutes.
My biggest fear now is that we wont have my mum for long BUT I know I have to be grateful for the time I have her and really value her in my life. I will try to keep walking the tightrope of balance between believing God fully for a miracle and keeping asking but also acknowledging inevitable feelings.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow - as my Dad would sing
This for us was the way we wanted to do it because we were keen to give Dad the best send off ever and a thanksgiving service he would have been proud of and done himself. Most people would not have even attempted some of the stuff that happened in such a short time frame but we succeeded by the grace of God and it really couldnt have been better - thanks to the help of so many willing volunteers and friends.
We have been very encouraged and supported by friends and family with loads of lovely heartfelt messages, kind words and flowers - thanks everyone! I have kept my cards up so that I can re-read them when I need.
They say that there are stages of grief and they go in a particular order - but I think that, like most things in life, it depends who you are and the situation you are in. We all cope differently and have different personality types and emotional wiring. I have definately found that I am not a conventional person.
Most of the time over the last couple of weeks I just honestly dont know what to say when people ask how I am - I actually dont know! What I do know is that I am really tired - much more than normal and I dream of sleep all day and then at night cant get any. So sorry if you dont feel you know how to talk to me or whether I want to talk or not. The answer is I may vary hugely and also even flip within a small amount of minutes.
My biggest fear now is that we wont have my mum for long BUT I know I have to be grateful for the time I have her and really value her in my life. I will try to keep walking the tightrope of balance between believing God fully for a miracle and keeping asking but also acknowledging inevitable feelings.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow - as my Dad would sing
Wednesday 15 September 2010
Definately see ya later, Dad
After what seems like the most painful week next to Dad, in bad pain at times, and getting worse so gradually, he finally entered into heaven on Sunday morning. He is healed in the most ultimate way now.
At 5.30 we gathered round his bed and had an amazing prayer time. Not praying for his soul (cos we were sure of where that had gone) but thanking God for his life and praying for God to be in our situation. As I looked at my Daddy without breath it really hit home in a sad but hopeful way that the real him wasnt there anymore - just his body.
I had spent quite a few days in that nursing home desperately wondering what God was up to, in terms of the timing, but the more we think about it now we realise it was His perfect timing. The day before, my sister and mum saw a sunset and key visitors arrived - a close friend and his Father (95yrs) and brother. That evening we watched last night of the Proms and I sang along to most of the tunes. When it came to 'You will never walk alone' both my sister and I sang it to our Dad together (to us it is not so symbolic of football as with everyone else) and he opened his eyes for a few seconds for the final time - wow emotional!
Also, we reached the point (of instead of just thinking it) we were actually saying out loud: "Its ok you can go to heaven now, you can go with Jesus and you can trust us to Him too, we love you, goodbye."
At one stage I was concerned about how we may need to read the Bible and remind Dad about Jesus' truth so he doesn't forget. My incredible and wise sister just said: "we don't need to remind him. Jesus is written right across his heart." Of course - If we hadnt talked about Jesus all week it wouldnt have changed a thing.
I feel like the word we would choose for this situation is not 'relieved' but 'released'. Throughout his illness Dad had spontaneously burst into a rendition of 'Rejoice in the Lord always' or 'Praise God from whom all blessings flow' - now he is singing worship forever more, he is loving it and how cool.
You know in those ghost films when the person raises up and looks down on their family crying over their body? - it entered into my head, at the time, that maybe Dad could see us doing that. Then those thoughts were quashed with a reassuring discussion about how he would be so overwhelmed with seeing Jesus face to face that why on earth would he look back at us or this broken world when he has moved to God's house!
Heaven must be indescribable. We have also been talking about (which kind of twists your mind a little) the thought that God and heaven are outside earthly time. Therefore I believe that Dad wont be waiting up there for years going, "heaven is fun and all that but when are my family going to get here?" We reckon it would feel like we are arriving together.
So we are very sad yes and life will never be the same again but we will choose to be thankful, keep singing (even if through gritted teeth) and know that His will is perfect.
So it isnt goodbye forever, it is definately 'see ya later'.
At 5.30 we gathered round his bed and had an amazing prayer time. Not praying for his soul (cos we were sure of where that had gone) but thanking God for his life and praying for God to be in our situation. As I looked at my Daddy without breath it really hit home in a sad but hopeful way that the real him wasnt there anymore - just his body.
I had spent quite a few days in that nursing home desperately wondering what God was up to, in terms of the timing, but the more we think about it now we realise it was His perfect timing. The day before, my sister and mum saw a sunset and key visitors arrived - a close friend and his Father (95yrs) and brother. That evening we watched last night of the Proms and I sang along to most of the tunes. When it came to 'You will never walk alone' both my sister and I sang it to our Dad together (to us it is not so symbolic of football as with everyone else) and he opened his eyes for a few seconds for the final time - wow emotional!
Also, we reached the point (of instead of just thinking it) we were actually saying out loud: "Its ok you can go to heaven now, you can go with Jesus and you can trust us to Him too, we love you, goodbye."
At one stage I was concerned about how we may need to read the Bible and remind Dad about Jesus' truth so he doesn't forget. My incredible and wise sister just said: "we don't need to remind him. Jesus is written right across his heart." Of course - If we hadnt talked about Jesus all week it wouldnt have changed a thing.
I feel like the word we would choose for this situation is not 'relieved' but 'released'. Throughout his illness Dad had spontaneously burst into a rendition of 'Rejoice in the Lord always' or 'Praise God from whom all blessings flow' - now he is singing worship forever more, he is loving it and how cool.
You know in those ghost films when the person raises up and looks down on their family crying over their body? - it entered into my head, at the time, that maybe Dad could see us doing that. Then those thoughts were quashed with a reassuring discussion about how he would be so overwhelmed with seeing Jesus face to face that why on earth would he look back at us or this broken world when he has moved to God's house!
Heaven must be indescribable. We have also been talking about (which kind of twists your mind a little) the thought that God and heaven are outside earthly time. Therefore I believe that Dad wont be waiting up there for years going, "heaven is fun and all that but when are my family going to get here?" We reckon it would feel like we are arriving together.
So we are very sad yes and life will never be the same again but we will choose to be thankful, keep singing (even if through gritted teeth) and know that His will is perfect.
So it isnt goodbye forever, it is definately 'see ya later'.
Wednesday 8 September 2010
Tensions and Timing
What a tough week!
For the last few days we have been living (except actually sleeping for me and my sister) at the nursing home. This is set to continue till the weekend at least. After a deterioration last Saturday the doctors announced that we were on the final stretch and should prepare to lose Dad within a week.
Most people including medical staff have absolutely no idea what the last 14 months have been like for us all and that really we have been preparing and kind of grieving in part since the diagnosis day - such a rollercoaster of different phases, personalities, symptoms and circumstances.
Our Vicar came this lunch time and as a family we shared communion. It was really special. The readings that he shared were so relevant as they reflected the tensions we have to hold together. It was a memory I will treasure.
The tension that we, in our suffering, are crying out to God to help us but yet we stand sure of our eternal security and hope and are thankful for his presence.
And the other tension - the longing for Dad to stay with us against the very real and honest desire for him to go now and to be released from his pain.
All this time I have been petrified about the pain and heartache of loss I would feel when it actually happened and this has not really changed. I also realise that despite how prepared we should be after all this time I suddenly feel totally unprepared. However today I found myself praying for God to take him quickly. The hardest thing would be for us to have to continue this for weeks still as he is in discomfort. However it is all in His timing and I just have to accept that.
There are 2 tracks of healing - one to full physical healing and health and one to death and full healing in heaven. There is no better place for Dad than in the presence of Jesus seeing him face to face. Sometimes it is easy to forget about the excitement about heaven when we cant see past our sadness on earth.
I was sad to hear the news of the death of a little 18 month old Quinn who had been prayed for by so many people but that family are holding on to a God who is faithful even when we dont understand and feel a little faith-less.
The other day I went out for a walk with Dad in the wheelchair and he joined in with me and we sang my favourite song 'Faithful One' So relevant and special to me at this time.
This evening a family friend reminded me about a phrase from Pete Grieg's book God on Mute. We are desperate for God to airlift us out of the situation but then we realise that Jesus has Parachuted in to the situation and with us.
If you pray , please pray for peace for Dad and for us all at this time.
For the last few days we have been living (except actually sleeping for me and my sister) at the nursing home. This is set to continue till the weekend at least. After a deterioration last Saturday the doctors announced that we were on the final stretch and should prepare to lose Dad within a week.
Most people including medical staff have absolutely no idea what the last 14 months have been like for us all and that really we have been preparing and kind of grieving in part since the diagnosis day - such a rollercoaster of different phases, personalities, symptoms and circumstances.
Our Vicar came this lunch time and as a family we shared communion. It was really special. The readings that he shared were so relevant as they reflected the tensions we have to hold together. It was a memory I will treasure.
The tension that we, in our suffering, are crying out to God to help us but yet we stand sure of our eternal security and hope and are thankful for his presence.
And the other tension - the longing for Dad to stay with us against the very real and honest desire for him to go now and to be released from his pain.
All this time I have been petrified about the pain and heartache of loss I would feel when it actually happened and this has not really changed. I also realise that despite how prepared we should be after all this time I suddenly feel totally unprepared. However today I found myself praying for God to take him quickly. The hardest thing would be for us to have to continue this for weeks still as he is in discomfort. However it is all in His timing and I just have to accept that.
There are 2 tracks of healing - one to full physical healing and health and one to death and full healing in heaven. There is no better place for Dad than in the presence of Jesus seeing him face to face. Sometimes it is easy to forget about the excitement about heaven when we cant see past our sadness on earth.
I was sad to hear the news of the death of a little 18 month old Quinn who had been prayed for by so many people but that family are holding on to a God who is faithful even when we dont understand and feel a little faith-less.
The other day I went out for a walk with Dad in the wheelchair and he joined in with me and we sang my favourite song 'Faithful One' So relevant and special to me at this time.
Faithful One so unchanging
Ageless One You’re my rock of peace
Lord of all I depend on You
I call out to You, again and again
I call out to You, again and again
You are my rock in times of trouble
You lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is the anchor
My hope is in You alone
This evening a family friend reminded me about a phrase from Pete Grieg's book God on Mute. We are desperate for God to airlift us out of the situation but then we realise that Jesus has Parachuted in to the situation and with us.
If you pray , please pray for peace for Dad and for us all at this time.
Tuesday 24 August 2010
A hint in the right direction
Just a short update:
Scan results in for Mum. Last week we received some welcome news. The scan results revealed that the tumours have not spread further, as they would have expected them to, and the Chemo is having some effect.
This has helped us all feel more positive so Praise God.
We will continue to pray for a full healing.
Scan results in for Mum. Last week we received some welcome news. The scan results revealed that the tumours have not spread further, as they would have expected them to, and the Chemo is having some effect.
This has helped us all feel more positive so Praise God.
We will continue to pray for a full healing.
Saturday 21 August 2010
Doh - a sense of reality
It was the strangest feeling as I walked out of the cinema after the amazing film that is 'Inception'. I get really involved in films so I got quite tense when it was all hanging in the balance and when the credits finally rolled I actually had to tell myself that I was in THE real reality and this was THE real bump back to it.
Yes it is, London, 11pm, Orange wednesday. Yes it is a reality that I cant escape from. I almost felt the burdens, which I had blanked for 2 1/2 odeon hours, load back on to my shoulders.
Then I had one of those 'wow' moments walking up my road and this will likely sound cheesy but hey ho. I thought; hang on one minute. This is reality - yes and it does seem rubbish sometimes - yes and sometimes I want to be in any dream world rather than this one - yes. BUT within this same reality (this earth) I can actually still experience the most amazing and uplifting reality ever: the reality of being able to know my Creator personally!
The film is well made with a clever plot and provokes the viewer to ask questions of the characters, the ending and the concepts it represents.
However I try to distract myself from reality I know deep down that none of these distractions last long, just like the dreams. I know that one minute spent in His presence is better than thousands elsewhere and I can lay my burdens down there. If I know all this then why on earth do I forget and so often go everywhere else for comfort before God?! Doh!
Is hope found in the worlds we create for ourselves or is it found in the harsh reality of the world we find ourselves in? This is the messed-up world that Jesus died for.
Yes it is, London, 11pm, Orange wednesday. Yes it is a reality that I cant escape from. I almost felt the burdens, which I had blanked for 2 1/2 odeon hours, load back on to my shoulders.
Then I had one of those 'wow' moments walking up my road and this will likely sound cheesy but hey ho. I thought; hang on one minute. This is reality - yes and it does seem rubbish sometimes - yes and sometimes I want to be in any dream world rather than this one - yes. BUT within this same reality (this earth) I can actually still experience the most amazing and uplifting reality ever: the reality of being able to know my Creator personally!
The film is well made with a clever plot and provokes the viewer to ask questions of the characters, the ending and the concepts it represents.
However I try to distract myself from reality I know deep down that none of these distractions last long, just like the dreams. I know that one minute spent in His presence is better than thousands elsewhere and I can lay my burdens down there. If I know all this then why on earth do I forget and so often go everywhere else for comfort before God?! Doh!
Is hope found in the worlds we create for ourselves or is it found in the harsh reality of the world we find ourselves in? This is the messed-up world that Jesus died for.
Friday 20 August 2010
Sad Sherlock
One of my favourite programmes is 'That Mitchell and Webb Look'. On Tuesday I switched over and was pleased to have half an hour of a comedy sketch show to watch with Dad in the home on a Tuesday night.
I certainly wasnt prepared for the final sketch of this 'comedy' to be filled with such irony, sadness and poigniancy about an Old Sherlock Holmes!
Watch a Sherlock suffering from Dementia and how he interacts with Dr Watson on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pp02ubGuTIU
I couldnt hide myself from the fact that the subject of this sketch was just a bit too close to home for me and maybe many others with relatives with other diseases such as Alzheimers. The last minute especially is rather powerfully heartbreaking as Sherlock has a moment of "clarity" and reveals to Dr Watson: "I know, I do know, I just cant get the fog to clear"
Last week the pair had joked about how Blackadder ended their series with a sad and serious scene (lads climbing over a trench wall into German gunfire) so the ending of this episode/series they had ripped that idea off and fulfilled it in their own show.
Now I know that Mitchell and Webb sketches are often close to the mark and often this kind of comedy would likely be offensive to one group or other but this one for me was not really offensive as such but left me incredibly moved. Maybe they wanted to show that they can actually act (and they really can) but also did they want to go straight from the comedy into serious to make it more hard hitting and thought-provoking? Bringing age, ill health and time to a fictional character. I was expecting a final laugh but it ended very emotionally.
What made me think even more about this was that, although Dad doesnt make sense of much at all, he said to me a few minutes later. "As long as it doesnt end up like on that show" - gulp!
All the comments I have come across on the web have said that people have cried or were sad and that it was slightly unwelcome but yet it was very clever. We tend to be uneasy about laughing at much of it because of the state of real people, like my dad and others in homes, but maybe this hints to us that laughing and other emotions are actually not as far apart from each other as we think they are.
What do you think?
I certainly wasnt prepared for the final sketch of this 'comedy' to be filled with such irony, sadness and poigniancy about an Old Sherlock Holmes!
Watch a Sherlock suffering from Dementia and how he interacts with Dr Watson on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pp02ubGuTIU
I couldnt hide myself from the fact that the subject of this sketch was just a bit too close to home for me and maybe many others with relatives with other diseases such as Alzheimers. The last minute especially is rather powerfully heartbreaking as Sherlock has a moment of "clarity" and reveals to Dr Watson: "I know, I do know, I just cant get the fog to clear"
Last week the pair had joked about how Blackadder ended their series with a sad and serious scene (lads climbing over a trench wall into German gunfire) so the ending of this episode/series they had ripped that idea off and fulfilled it in their own show.
Now I know that Mitchell and Webb sketches are often close to the mark and often this kind of comedy would likely be offensive to one group or other but this one for me was not really offensive as such but left me incredibly moved. Maybe they wanted to show that they can actually act (and they really can) but also did they want to go straight from the comedy into serious to make it more hard hitting and thought-provoking? Bringing age, ill health and time to a fictional character. I was expecting a final laugh but it ended very emotionally.
What made me think even more about this was that, although Dad doesnt make sense of much at all, he said to me a few minutes later. "As long as it doesnt end up like on that show" - gulp!
All the comments I have come across on the web have said that people have cried or were sad and that it was slightly unwelcome but yet it was very clever. We tend to be uneasy about laughing at much of it because of the state of real people, like my dad and others in homes, but maybe this hints to us that laughing and other emotions are actually not as far apart from each other as we think they are.
What do you think?
Tuesday 17 August 2010
Not "why?" but "what now?"
I am an emotional person but usually in public I manage to cry in a civilised fashion with just a couple of tear marks on my cheeks. Not so back in February. I lost all composure and frankly didn’t have the capacity to care about what on earth the people on my packed train were thinking. I was ‘proper balling it’ as they say in Essex, with extra noise, blubbering and undignified sniffing.
I had just received a call from the hospital asking me to gather the family together for a meeting with the consultant to hear a diagnosis for mum. At this point she had been in hospital for 4 weeks with a visiting ban in place and all the nurse had revealed to me on the phone was an acknowledgement that it was ‘serious’. Despite actually having no idea what was really wrong and how much I could have been blowing it all out of proportion, it hurt lots! I reasoned that maybe our family’s bar of what is ‘serious’ had been set quite high since Dad and maybe I was just thinking worst case scenario?
When my fears were confirmed I was really angry all of a sudden. Why did you have to prove my fears right God? For the first time in my life I want to be proven wrong! Why would you allow this to happen to us twice? I can cope with one parent with cancer but two – really!?
After a few weeks of feeling completely overwhelmed I began slowly to look beyond my immediate circumstances and realise the world around me again. I began to think that maybe “Why?” was the wrong question for me to be asking.
I don’t ask God why I was born into a loving family, why my health has been ok so far or why I was born in the rich West with a roof over my head and money, not just for food, but for all kinds of luxuries. No - it seems to be just the bad times when we may ask this question. Had I been acting as if I have some kind of inherent right that things should go well and that my life plan should go the way my culture tells me it should? What about the family in Pakistan who are cut off from aid, whose children are now open to all kinds of disease from flood waters, and their home has been swept away?
Life just isn’t about rights or what we deserve or don’t deserve. Grace is above all that.
To manage to look beyond difficult circumstances is very hard to do when storms come. Battening down the hatches and waiting it out seems like the only option. However, lifting our head and looking outwards puts things in perspective even if it risks danger or pain. It enables us to continue living life again and being grateful for what we have. So, we have a chance to shift focus to asking the question “what now?”
How will we respond when troubles come? When the cares of life are overwhelming and our heart is sinking down will we fix our eyes on the hope of glory, on the one who can provide peace beyond our understanding?
I’m still working out my personal response as time moves on and sometimes it is a long learning process but I really don’t want to end up bitter or holding on to my wounds.
God doesn’t reveal his grand design for life or His ultimate purposes to us - but he does reveal Himself and ‘I like’!
I had just received a call from the hospital asking me to gather the family together for a meeting with the consultant to hear a diagnosis for mum. At this point she had been in hospital for 4 weeks with a visiting ban in place and all the nurse had revealed to me on the phone was an acknowledgement that it was ‘serious’. Despite actually having no idea what was really wrong and how much I could have been blowing it all out of proportion, it hurt lots! I reasoned that maybe our family’s bar of what is ‘serious’ had been set quite high since Dad and maybe I was just thinking worst case scenario?
When my fears were confirmed I was really angry all of a sudden. Why did you have to prove my fears right God? For the first time in my life I want to be proven wrong! Why would you allow this to happen to us twice? I can cope with one parent with cancer but two – really!?
After a few weeks of feeling completely overwhelmed I began slowly to look beyond my immediate circumstances and realise the world around me again. I began to think that maybe “Why?” was the wrong question for me to be asking.
I don’t ask God why I was born into a loving family, why my health has been ok so far or why I was born in the rich West with a roof over my head and money, not just for food, but for all kinds of luxuries. No - it seems to be just the bad times when we may ask this question. Had I been acting as if I have some kind of inherent right that things should go well and that my life plan should go the way my culture tells me it should? What about the family in Pakistan who are cut off from aid, whose children are now open to all kinds of disease from flood waters, and their home has been swept away?
Life just isn’t about rights or what we deserve or don’t deserve. Grace is above all that.
To manage to look beyond difficult circumstances is very hard to do when storms come. Battening down the hatches and waiting it out seems like the only option. However, lifting our head and looking outwards puts things in perspective even if it risks danger or pain. It enables us to continue living life again and being grateful for what we have. So, we have a chance to shift focus to asking the question “what now?”
How will we respond when troubles come? When the cares of life are overwhelming and our heart is sinking down will we fix our eyes on the hope of glory, on the one who can provide peace beyond our understanding?
I’m still working out my personal response as time moves on and sometimes it is a long learning process but I really don’t want to end up bitter or holding on to my wounds.
God doesn’t reveal his grand design for life or His ultimate purposes to us - but he does reveal Himself and ‘I like’!
Wednesday 11 August 2010
The God of Order and Logic
I finished my visit with Dad in the Nursing home the other day with a prayer as usual. He prayed for at least 10 minutes to God who is the “God of order and logic” to come in and sort out our mess and muddle. Whilst to begin with this sounded silly to me as I guess I had not put it high on my list of God’s qualities. God doesn’t fall into a Myers Briggs type box; logical or creative he can be all things rolled into 1. The more I thought about this the more I realised that this made sense and it was coming out of what my Dad was experiencing inside his head. He has found it so hard to communicate to us just what kind of world he lives in now. “It’s just a muddle and a mess” he says.
It is not like some alzheimers sufferers who may not realise they are in a muddle and are in kind of a happy muddled world – no, he knows things are wrong which is must be even harder for him to conquer the frustration. Over 14 months we have seen this horrible tumour take over bit by bit with changes of personality, mood swings, confusion and memory loss– it’s quite scary really. We are still resisting its advances as much as we all can and my Dad is still himself in many amazing ways like his humour, his care for us and he is still very spiritually connected which is great. His prayers are really something else – very powerful!
My Father has always been a very detailed, pedantic, intelligent person and he would often spend his time correcting grammar, proof-reading mum’s reports and we share the same passion for good quality writing. Even though so much of this is lost now - and he can’t even use his computer anymore – his occasional high quality vocabulary demonstrates that his intelligence is still very much there (just clouded over a bit). He is so desperate to make some sense – “I’m talking a load of twaddle again aren’t I?” he says.
At times he insists things that certain objects are not what they are or what we tell him they are. My Dad – previously a quality assurance engineer in Marconi – was insisting to me that he needed to take the power lead from the radio into the bathroom to plug into the toilet to make it work! His brain is telling him different stuff. He still has a keen ear and picks up on stuff from others and the telly. He hears Eastenders in the background talking about a wedding dress and the next conversation 10 minutes later he is expressing concern that we have to sort out a dress for a wedding deadline and it is all his responsibility. A few weeks ago we would talk about someone who is elsewhere and then for the next half an hour that person is hiding behind the curtains or under the bed.
It is very much the Brain tumour that has caused all his suffering but through it all he knows that God has all the positive traits and gifts he needs to help sort him out – a bit of order and logic!
God is wholly good and all things come from him so let us praise our God who can bring order and logic and goodness to our human chaos. Even when we can’t see any clarity, logic or reasons – He is still to be trusted and will ultimately bring right this muddled and messed up world in his timing.
It is not like some alzheimers sufferers who may not realise they are in a muddle and are in kind of a happy muddled world – no, he knows things are wrong which is must be even harder for him to conquer the frustration. Over 14 months we have seen this horrible tumour take over bit by bit with changes of personality, mood swings, confusion and memory loss– it’s quite scary really. We are still resisting its advances as much as we all can and my Dad is still himself in many amazing ways like his humour, his care for us and he is still very spiritually connected which is great. His prayers are really something else – very powerful!
My Father has always been a very detailed, pedantic, intelligent person and he would often spend his time correcting grammar, proof-reading mum’s reports and we share the same passion for good quality writing. Even though so much of this is lost now - and he can’t even use his computer anymore – his occasional high quality vocabulary demonstrates that his intelligence is still very much there (just clouded over a bit). He is so desperate to make some sense – “I’m talking a load of twaddle again aren’t I?” he says.
At times he insists things that certain objects are not what they are or what we tell him they are. My Dad – previously a quality assurance engineer in Marconi – was insisting to me that he needed to take the power lead from the radio into the bathroom to plug into the toilet to make it work! His brain is telling him different stuff. He still has a keen ear and picks up on stuff from others and the telly. He hears Eastenders in the background talking about a wedding dress and the next conversation 10 minutes later he is expressing concern that we have to sort out a dress for a wedding deadline and it is all his responsibility. A few weeks ago we would talk about someone who is elsewhere and then for the next half an hour that person is hiding behind the curtains or under the bed.
It is very much the Brain tumour that has caused all his suffering but through it all he knows that God has all the positive traits and gifts he needs to help sort him out – a bit of order and logic!
God is wholly good and all things come from him so let us praise our God who can bring order and logic and goodness to our human chaos. Even when we can’t see any clarity, logic or reasons – He is still to be trusted and will ultimately bring right this muddled and messed up world in his timing.
Tuesday 3 August 2010
Where do I start?
I have been thinking about blogging for quite a while and I still dont know if anyone will be interested in my musings but even if it is just for my own benefit, that is fine. I want to try and share aswell as gain some helpful and hopeful and life-giving nuggets (for want of a better word) as well as being real and honest about the experience. God's grace has been getting me through this far and grace will lead me home.
It has been a long 14 months since my Dad's diagnosis with a Gliobastoma Multiforme level 4 brain tumour in June 2009 which started this emotional rollercoaster ride. Mum's diagnosis followed this year in February of widely spread secondary bone cancer (with unknown primary). Even though its been 6 months since that and I have got used to the facts, I still struggle when the reality hits me each day.
I'm gonna have to think how to start this blog and give some history to personality and progression of illness while not letting myself get carried away with unecessary length. I'll be back soon once I have thought it out.
It has been a long 14 months since my Dad's diagnosis with a Gliobastoma Multiforme level 4 brain tumour in June 2009 which started this emotional rollercoaster ride. Mum's diagnosis followed this year in February of widely spread secondary bone cancer (with unknown primary). Even though its been 6 months since that and I have got used to the facts, I still struggle when the reality hits me each day.
I'm gonna have to think how to start this blog and give some history to personality and progression of illness while not letting myself get carried away with unecessary length. I'll be back soon once I have thought it out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)