Reminding myself of my choices
So we’ve just come back from the latest oncology consultation with some disappointing news. At one point when we were looking at spikes in levels and new white patches on the scans, Dr S joked that no matter what was said, mum would still smile.
Later on, reflecting on my shock, I began reading back through some of my blog posts, 2010-2012, when these kind of consultations were more commonplace for us. Most of the time mum’s appointments had been an opportunity to stun the doctors with the fact that a. she was still alive and b. she could walk – a good three years of stability passed the original prognosis.
In one post Consultant day - living on prayer (Mar 2012), I reflected on the fear you have to fight in the waiting room wondering whether this is the moment the stability ends. That week, even though the results were ok, I was challenged to trust Jesus with the future and surrender my hopes and fears afresh. I am now in desperate need to remind myself of this challenge and embrace it again!
I am reminding myself again that no matter how tempting it is to batten down the hatches in the storm or shut myself off from others, lifting my head and looking outwards puts things in perspective and enables me to continue living life and being grateful for what we have.
I remember that we should only ask ourselves “what now?” not “why?”. I remember that when first processing the terminal prognosis of both my parents I announced that I don’t want to end up bitter or holding on to my wounds. So how will I respond now? When the cares of life are overwhelming and my heart is sinking down will I fix my eyes on the hope of glory, on the one who can provide me peace beyond understanding?
God doesn’t reveal his plans beforehand and mostly we have no clue at his purposes but he does reveal himself to us and draw alongside us.
I also wrote this after my dad died: “My biggest fear now is that we won’t have my mum for long BUT I know I have to be grateful for the time I have her and really value her in my life. I will try to keep walking the tightrope of balance between believing God fully for a miracle and keeping asking but also acknowledging inevitable feelings.”
So, we continue to live on prayer and know that we have a God who is always faithful regardless of whether we understand what He is up to or not.
I pray that, whatever you are facing, you will be able to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. Eph 3:18.
