I acknowledge that over the years as I grow older, I have gradually let cynicism in. It is so easy for me to revert to cynicism when we are presented problems that seem impossible or a vision that seems just too unrealistic.
To stick with Jesus on this journey is far from easy. I know that some of our close friends are finding it particularly painful. I really hope that some of these words will encourage us all to move forward positively.
Jim Wallis came over to speak at a work event last week and his message was really powerful and had a personal impact. He said of the British media that they agree about all the problems of the world but were full of cynicism. “Their response to me is “you are right Jim, but there is nothing we can do. We are just hurtling towards destruction, it will never change,”
“There are two types of people – the Saints and the Cynics - who see the world realistically. The difference is that the Saints make a choice to act in hope and the Cynics give you reasons for never acting. Cynicism is a buffer against commitment.
The more I think about this the more I realise that cynicism can so easily be an excuse not to commit to making a change or believing in something. Its a get out clause. So whilst its hard to keep going on this path I believe its the only thing we can do. Hope is a choice and a decision!
When thinking about the injustices in the world such as poverty, climate change, human trafficking, malnutrition, war and disease, this applies also. We could just quote "the poor will always be with us" (which Jim says is a misquote btw) or "my tiny bit wont make a difference" but this is a true challenge to us to choose our attitude.
Jim continued: “Hope is not a feeling, or a mood, or being a cup half-full person. It is the decision you make and it comes from this thing we call faith. Hebrews says faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. My best paraphrase of that text is this: Hope is believing despite the evidence and watching the evidence change."
Wow that phrase grabbed me: "Hope is believing despite the evidence and watching the evidence change". But what does this mean in my personal context? It means that despite the diagnosis for my mum's bones we should not lose faith that healing can happen.
Two more things I took away: "We look around us and only see mountains that seem too big to move. But we must remember that we are in the mountain-moving business! Faith prompts hope; hope causes action; action leads to change."
-----
Hebrews 6:19 (The Message): "We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us"
Psalm 71:14 (New International Version ): "As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more."
Friday, 3 December 2010
Saturday, 27 November 2010
Plodding on with Grandma
Sometimes its hard to keep things in perspective. Everywhere I turn I seem to hear sad news and difficulties that my friends and family are going through. It is really hard to keep all things balanced and sometimes I wonder if I am a bit of an emotional wreck - one minute being upbeat and the next feeling desperate.
About 7 years ago all my family were gathered for a meal and my Granddad (dad's side) told us how he may not be here the next time we get together. Everyone went silent and did not know how to respond to this bombshell. Suddenly I came out with "oh well, plod on". Ever since that day I have been teased by other members of my family for saying this phrase, I guess because it sounded endearing but a little bit flipant in the context. Also Granddad's still going today at 95.
I have also been spending a lot of time with my mum and I have been living back with her for about 4/5 out of 7 nights a week. One day when a friend was with her I went to visit my Grandma (mum's side). As I went to her church with her I had a fresh revelation of what an amazing woman she is. Whilst I am used to her encouraging phrases down the phone, it was only when I heard her say them to someone completely new and young that it dawned on me how special she is, passing on her pearls of wisdom. Her three Ps are her favourite saying "Plod on, Press on and Pray on". She really lives this and is the best prayer warrior I know.
So even though I cringe occasionally when I get the little 3 P sermon, I know that this advice is exactly what I need to truly take on board at this time of my life. Despite darkness, fear and uncertainty I will try and do all 3 because I know it will be worth it in the end to say that I did not give up fighting.
These words to an oldie hymn served as my reminder to hold steadfast and keep plodding on!
Jesus, I have promised to serve you till the end;
Be always with me, my master and my friend
I will not fear the battle if you are by my side
nor wander from the pathway if you you will be my guide
Let me see your foot-marks, and in them plant my own;
My hope to follow duly is in your strength alone:
Guide me, call me, draw me, uphold me to the end;
Then in heaven receive me, my Saviour and my friend.
Scripture that reminds me of my hope: (thanks for the prompt Creatormade):
2 Corinthians: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (NIV)
Hebrews 11.1: "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see". (NLT)
About 7 years ago all my family were gathered for a meal and my Granddad (dad's side) told us how he may not be here the next time we get together. Everyone went silent and did not know how to respond to this bombshell. Suddenly I came out with "oh well, plod on". Ever since that day I have been teased by other members of my family for saying this phrase, I guess because it sounded endearing but a little bit flipant in the context. Also Granddad's still going today at 95.
I have also been spending a lot of time with my mum and I have been living back with her for about 4/5 out of 7 nights a week. One day when a friend was with her I went to visit my Grandma (mum's side). As I went to her church with her I had a fresh revelation of what an amazing woman she is. Whilst I am used to her encouraging phrases down the phone, it was only when I heard her say them to someone completely new and young that it dawned on me how special she is, passing on her pearls of wisdom. Her three Ps are her favourite saying "Plod on, Press on and Pray on". She really lives this and is the best prayer warrior I know.
So even though I cringe occasionally when I get the little 3 P sermon, I know that this advice is exactly what I need to truly take on board at this time of my life. Despite darkness, fear and uncertainty I will try and do all 3 because I know it will be worth it in the end to say that I did not give up fighting.
These words to an oldie hymn served as my reminder to hold steadfast and keep plodding on!
Jesus, I have promised to serve you till the end;
Be always with me, my master and my friend
I will not fear the battle if you are by my side
nor wander from the pathway if you you will be my guide
Let me see your foot-marks, and in them plant my own;
My hope to follow duly is in your strength alone:
Guide me, call me, draw me, uphold me to the end;
Then in heaven receive me, my Saviour and my friend.
Scripture that reminds me of my hope: (thanks for the prompt Creatormade):
2 Corinthians: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (NIV)
Hebrews 11.1: "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see". (NLT)
Thursday, 28 October 2010
Still I will sing
Ive always loved singing. Its one of the main things that makes me me. I can sing about most things and often sing when I am in the strangest of moods, happy or sad. Then there is that odd moment where the emotion grabs and overwhelms. These moments are usually because I am feeling God's presence, or declaring how good God is or realising his love for me afresh despite what I think of myself. Often these are the moments when I am singing through blimin gritted teeth and not feeling like singing at all. I usually end up mouthing the words to avoid unflattering squeeks.
I just felt the need to remind myself of this song 'When Silence Falls' which pretty much sums it up.
Version with 29th Chapter rap:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdFqSaz1xTI&p=DCBACACD927FA5D3&index=33&feature=BF
More Classic version with Tim's verses and better images: http://www.youtube.com/wat
I just felt the need to remind myself of this song 'When Silence Falls' which pretty much sums it up.
Version with 29th Chapter rap:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdFqSaz1xTI&p=DCBACACD927FA5D3&index=33&feature=BF
More Classic version with Tim's verses and better images: http://www.youtube.com/wat
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
this grief malarky
The week following my Dad's death all four of us immersed ourselves into really hard work preparing for the 2 services we had scheduled for the following Monday. We are a unique family and Dad was too so we went all out and pull out every stop. Emailing, designing, phone calls, meetings, arguments, photo searching, tribute collecting, writing, decorating, painting, printing, cutting, sticking, digging out belongings, arranging and so many more tasks filled our days to the brim. We certainly had no time to sit down and be miserable for even a minute. It was quite amusing when my brother-in-law's boss said that they would ease him back in gradually and he had been working harder than ever on his compassionate leave.
This for us was the way we wanted to do it because we were keen to give Dad the best send off ever and a thanksgiving service he would have been proud of and done himself. Most people would not have even attempted some of the stuff that happened in such a short time frame but we succeeded by the grace of God and it really couldnt have been better - thanks to the help of so many willing volunteers and friends.
We have been very encouraged and supported by friends and family with loads of lovely heartfelt messages, kind words and flowers - thanks everyone! I have kept my cards up so that I can re-read them when I need.
They say that there are stages of grief and they go in a particular order - but I think that, like most things in life, it depends who you are and the situation you are in. We all cope differently and have different personality types and emotional wiring. I have definately found that I am not a conventional person.
Most of the time over the last couple of weeks I just honestly dont know what to say when people ask how I am - I actually dont know! What I do know is that I am really tired - much more than normal and I dream of sleep all day and then at night cant get any. So sorry if you dont feel you know how to talk to me or whether I want to talk or not. The answer is I may vary hugely and also even flip within a small amount of minutes.
My biggest fear now is that we wont have my mum for long BUT I know I have to be grateful for the time I have her and really value her in my life. I will try to keep walking the tightrope of balance between believing God fully for a miracle and keeping asking but also acknowledging inevitable feelings.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow - as my Dad would sing
This for us was the way we wanted to do it because we were keen to give Dad the best send off ever and a thanksgiving service he would have been proud of and done himself. Most people would not have even attempted some of the stuff that happened in such a short time frame but we succeeded by the grace of God and it really couldnt have been better - thanks to the help of so many willing volunteers and friends.
We have been very encouraged and supported by friends and family with loads of lovely heartfelt messages, kind words and flowers - thanks everyone! I have kept my cards up so that I can re-read them when I need.
They say that there are stages of grief and they go in a particular order - but I think that, like most things in life, it depends who you are and the situation you are in. We all cope differently and have different personality types and emotional wiring. I have definately found that I am not a conventional person.
Most of the time over the last couple of weeks I just honestly dont know what to say when people ask how I am - I actually dont know! What I do know is that I am really tired - much more than normal and I dream of sleep all day and then at night cant get any. So sorry if you dont feel you know how to talk to me or whether I want to talk or not. The answer is I may vary hugely and also even flip within a small amount of minutes.
My biggest fear now is that we wont have my mum for long BUT I know I have to be grateful for the time I have her and really value her in my life. I will try to keep walking the tightrope of balance between believing God fully for a miracle and keeping asking but also acknowledging inevitable feelings.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow - as my Dad would sing
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
Definately see ya later, Dad
After what seems like the most painful week next to Dad, in bad pain at times, and getting worse so gradually, he finally entered into heaven on Sunday morning. He is healed in the most ultimate way now.
At 5.30 we gathered round his bed and had an amazing prayer time. Not praying for his soul (cos we were sure of where that had gone) but thanking God for his life and praying for God to be in our situation. As I looked at my Daddy without breath it really hit home in a sad but hopeful way that the real him wasnt there anymore - just his body.
I had spent quite a few days in that nursing home desperately wondering what God was up to, in terms of the timing, but the more we think about it now we realise it was His perfect timing. The day before, my sister and mum saw a sunset and key visitors arrived - a close friend and his Father (95yrs) and brother. That evening we watched last night of the Proms and I sang along to most of the tunes. When it came to 'You will never walk alone' both my sister and I sang it to our Dad together (to us it is not so symbolic of football as with everyone else) and he opened his eyes for a few seconds for the final time - wow emotional!
Also, we reached the point (of instead of just thinking it) we were actually saying out loud: "Its ok you can go to heaven now, you can go with Jesus and you can trust us to Him too, we love you, goodbye."
At one stage I was concerned about how we may need to read the Bible and remind Dad about Jesus' truth so he doesn't forget. My incredible and wise sister just said: "we don't need to remind him. Jesus is written right across his heart." Of course - If we hadnt talked about Jesus all week it wouldnt have changed a thing.
I feel like the word we would choose for this situation is not 'relieved' but 'released'. Throughout his illness Dad had spontaneously burst into a rendition of 'Rejoice in the Lord always' or 'Praise God from whom all blessings flow' - now he is singing worship forever more, he is loving it and how cool.
You know in those ghost films when the person raises up and looks down on their family crying over their body? - it entered into my head, at the time, that maybe Dad could see us doing that. Then those thoughts were quashed with a reassuring discussion about how he would be so overwhelmed with seeing Jesus face to face that why on earth would he look back at us or this broken world when he has moved to God's house!
Heaven must be indescribable. We have also been talking about (which kind of twists your mind a little) the thought that God and heaven are outside earthly time. Therefore I believe that Dad wont be waiting up there for years going, "heaven is fun and all that but when are my family going to get here?" We reckon it would feel like we are arriving together.
So we are very sad yes and life will never be the same again but we will choose to be thankful, keep singing (even if through gritted teeth) and know that His will is perfect.
So it isnt goodbye forever, it is definately 'see ya later'.
At 5.30 we gathered round his bed and had an amazing prayer time. Not praying for his soul (cos we were sure of where that had gone) but thanking God for his life and praying for God to be in our situation. As I looked at my Daddy without breath it really hit home in a sad but hopeful way that the real him wasnt there anymore - just his body.
I had spent quite a few days in that nursing home desperately wondering what God was up to, in terms of the timing, but the more we think about it now we realise it was His perfect timing. The day before, my sister and mum saw a sunset and key visitors arrived - a close friend and his Father (95yrs) and brother. That evening we watched last night of the Proms and I sang along to most of the tunes. When it came to 'You will never walk alone' both my sister and I sang it to our Dad together (to us it is not so symbolic of football as with everyone else) and he opened his eyes for a few seconds for the final time - wow emotional!
Also, we reached the point (of instead of just thinking it) we were actually saying out loud: "Its ok you can go to heaven now, you can go with Jesus and you can trust us to Him too, we love you, goodbye."
At one stage I was concerned about how we may need to read the Bible and remind Dad about Jesus' truth so he doesn't forget. My incredible and wise sister just said: "we don't need to remind him. Jesus is written right across his heart." Of course - If we hadnt talked about Jesus all week it wouldnt have changed a thing.
I feel like the word we would choose for this situation is not 'relieved' but 'released'. Throughout his illness Dad had spontaneously burst into a rendition of 'Rejoice in the Lord always' or 'Praise God from whom all blessings flow' - now he is singing worship forever more, he is loving it and how cool.
You know in those ghost films when the person raises up and looks down on their family crying over their body? - it entered into my head, at the time, that maybe Dad could see us doing that. Then those thoughts were quashed with a reassuring discussion about how he would be so overwhelmed with seeing Jesus face to face that why on earth would he look back at us or this broken world when he has moved to God's house!
Heaven must be indescribable. We have also been talking about (which kind of twists your mind a little) the thought that God and heaven are outside earthly time. Therefore I believe that Dad wont be waiting up there for years going, "heaven is fun and all that but when are my family going to get here?" We reckon it would feel like we are arriving together.
So we are very sad yes and life will never be the same again but we will choose to be thankful, keep singing (even if through gritted teeth) and know that His will is perfect.
So it isnt goodbye forever, it is definately 'see ya later'.
Wednesday, 8 September 2010
Tensions and Timing
What a tough week!
For the last few days we have been living (except actually sleeping for me and my sister) at the nursing home. This is set to continue till the weekend at least. After a deterioration last Saturday the doctors announced that we were on the final stretch and should prepare to lose Dad within a week.
Most people including medical staff have absolutely no idea what the last 14 months have been like for us all and that really we have been preparing and kind of grieving in part since the diagnosis day - such a rollercoaster of different phases, personalities, symptoms and circumstances.
Our Vicar came this lunch time and as a family we shared communion. It was really special. The readings that he shared were so relevant as they reflected the tensions we have to hold together. It was a memory I will treasure.
The tension that we, in our suffering, are crying out to God to help us but yet we stand sure of our eternal security and hope and are thankful for his presence.
And the other tension - the longing for Dad to stay with us against the very real and honest desire for him to go now and to be released from his pain.
All this time I have been petrified about the pain and heartache of loss I would feel when it actually happened and this has not really changed. I also realise that despite how prepared we should be after all this time I suddenly feel totally unprepared. However today I found myself praying for God to take him quickly. The hardest thing would be for us to have to continue this for weeks still as he is in discomfort. However it is all in His timing and I just have to accept that.
There are 2 tracks of healing - one to full physical healing and health and one to death and full healing in heaven. There is no better place for Dad than in the presence of Jesus seeing him face to face. Sometimes it is easy to forget about the excitement about heaven when we cant see past our sadness on earth.
I was sad to hear the news of the death of a little 18 month old Quinn who had been prayed for by so many people but that family are holding on to a God who is faithful even when we dont understand and feel a little faith-less.
The other day I went out for a walk with Dad in the wheelchair and he joined in with me and we sang my favourite song 'Faithful One' So relevant and special to me at this time.
This evening a family friend reminded me about a phrase from Pete Grieg's book God on Mute. We are desperate for God to airlift us out of the situation but then we realise that Jesus has Parachuted in to the situation and with us.
If you pray , please pray for peace for Dad and for us all at this time.
For the last few days we have been living (except actually sleeping for me and my sister) at the nursing home. This is set to continue till the weekend at least. After a deterioration last Saturday the doctors announced that we were on the final stretch and should prepare to lose Dad within a week.
Most people including medical staff have absolutely no idea what the last 14 months have been like for us all and that really we have been preparing and kind of grieving in part since the diagnosis day - such a rollercoaster of different phases, personalities, symptoms and circumstances.
Our Vicar came this lunch time and as a family we shared communion. It was really special. The readings that he shared were so relevant as they reflected the tensions we have to hold together. It was a memory I will treasure.
The tension that we, in our suffering, are crying out to God to help us but yet we stand sure of our eternal security and hope and are thankful for his presence.
And the other tension - the longing for Dad to stay with us against the very real and honest desire for him to go now and to be released from his pain.
All this time I have been petrified about the pain and heartache of loss I would feel when it actually happened and this has not really changed. I also realise that despite how prepared we should be after all this time I suddenly feel totally unprepared. However today I found myself praying for God to take him quickly. The hardest thing would be for us to have to continue this for weeks still as he is in discomfort. However it is all in His timing and I just have to accept that.
There are 2 tracks of healing - one to full physical healing and health and one to death and full healing in heaven. There is no better place for Dad than in the presence of Jesus seeing him face to face. Sometimes it is easy to forget about the excitement about heaven when we cant see past our sadness on earth.
I was sad to hear the news of the death of a little 18 month old Quinn who had been prayed for by so many people but that family are holding on to a God who is faithful even when we dont understand and feel a little faith-less.
The other day I went out for a walk with Dad in the wheelchair and he joined in with me and we sang my favourite song 'Faithful One' So relevant and special to me at this time.
Faithful One so unchanging
Ageless One You’re my rock of peace
Lord of all I depend on You
I call out to You, again and again
I call out to You, again and again
You are my rock in times of trouble
You lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is the anchor
My hope is in You alone
This evening a family friend reminded me about a phrase from Pete Grieg's book God on Mute. We are desperate for God to airlift us out of the situation but then we realise that Jesus has Parachuted in to the situation and with us.
If you pray , please pray for peace for Dad and for us all at this time.
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
A hint in the right direction
Just a short update:
Scan results in for Mum. Last week we received some welcome news. The scan results revealed that the tumours have not spread further, as they would have expected them to, and the Chemo is having some effect.
This has helped us all feel more positive so Praise God.
We will continue to pray for a full healing.
Scan results in for Mum. Last week we received some welcome news. The scan results revealed that the tumours have not spread further, as they would have expected them to, and the Chemo is having some effect.
This has helped us all feel more positive so Praise God.
We will continue to pray for a full healing.
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