For the last few days we have been living (except actually sleeping for me and my sister) at the nursing home. This is set to continue till the weekend at least. After a deterioration last Saturday the doctors announced that we were on the final stretch and should prepare to lose Dad within a week.
Most people including medical staff have absolutely no idea what the last 14 months have been like for us all and that really we have been preparing and kind of grieving in part since the diagnosis day - such a rollercoaster of different phases, personalities, symptoms and circumstances.
Our Vicar came this lunch time and as a family we shared communion. It was really special. The readings that he shared were so relevant as they reflected the tensions we have to hold together. It was a memory I will treasure.
The tension that we, in our suffering, are crying out to God to help us but yet we stand sure of our eternal security and hope and are thankful for his presence.
And the other tension - the longing for Dad to stay with us against the very real and honest desire for him to go now and to be released from his pain.
All this time I have been petrified about the pain and heartache of loss I would feel when it actually happened and this has not really changed. I also realise that despite how prepared we should be after all this time I suddenly feel totally unprepared. However today I found myself praying for God to take him quickly. The hardest thing would be for us to have to continue this for weeks still as he is in discomfort. However it is all in His timing and I just have to accept that.
There are 2 tracks of healing - one to full physical healing and health and one to death and full healing in heaven. There is no better place for Dad than in the presence of Jesus seeing him face to face. Sometimes it is easy to forget about the excitement about heaven when we cant see past our sadness on earth.
I was sad to hear the news of the death of a little 18 month old Quinn who had been prayed for by so many people but that family are holding on to a God who is faithful even when we dont understand and feel a little faith-less.
The other day I went out for a walk with Dad in the wheelchair and he joined in with me and we sang my favourite song 'Faithful One' So relevant and special to me at this time.
Faithful One so unchanging
Ageless One You’re my rock of peace
Lord of all I depend on You
I call out to You, again and again
I call out to You, again and again
You are my rock in times of trouble
You lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is the anchor
My hope is in You alone
This evening a family friend reminded me about a phrase from Pete Grieg's book God on Mute. We are desperate for God to airlift us out of the situation but then we realise that Jesus has Parachuted in to the situation and with us.
If you pray , please pray for peace for Dad and for us all at this time.
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