Free to be disappointed

“Are you disappointed with God?”

I was taken aback at the direct questioning. Instant indignation. ‘Of course not, that would be wrong. I made the decision to stick with my good God and praise Him through any circumstance,’ I thought.

Resisting the urge to vocalise my thoughts, I took a step back to reflect.

A few weeks later, prompted in a conference ministry time, I found myself voicing out-loud a series of disappointments from the last few years, bubbling up unexpectedly from deep within.

Maybe you have been ill for years or can’t see a breakthrough with your non-Christian friends? Maybe you long for family or your life plans already seem dashed? Maybe you face debt, redundancy or grieve the loss of a loved one?

When we are faced with circumstances we would never choose, it’s only human to be angry, confused and disappointed. As we go through Christian motions, have we let these experiences cloud our view of who Jesus really is? Have we started to view Jesus through this distorted lens of experience, rather than through truth in Scripture?

God talks directly to Abraham and Isaac in Genesis but Joseph gets random dreams through Egyptians. Joseph had jolly good reason to be disappointed in God. His efforts to do good had been thrown back in his face – sold into slavery, he refused Potiphar’s wife and was thrown in jail and when he saved a cell mate’s life they forgot he existed.

Philip Yancey in Disappointed with God, says: “Through everything Joseph learned to trust not that God would prevent hardship but that He would redeem even the hardship. Choking back tears, he explained to his brothers… you intended to harm but God intended it for good.”

Debra Searle is famous for rowing 3,000 miles across the Atlantic solo, after her husband and team-mate was rescued after a week. It took three and a half months instead of an intended six weeks and she faced prolonged isolation and very real dangers. Sobbing at the oars, she would row 20 miles and then head winds would push her back 30. She said: “I had to choose my attitude. Nothing else out there I had a choice about but I did have a choice about how I responded to those things.”

We too need to choose our attitude, claim the promises of God and trust Him despite circumstances, And trusting Him doesn’t mean just putting up and shutting up. God can definitely handle us telling Him why we are hurt, disappointed or angry. Be real.

It was so good for my soul to be real and to expose lies and cynicism. They were replaced by love and freedom.

I have a choice. Do I let questions and mysteries become the most important thing? Do I refuse to worship until I get an answer? Or do I leave these disappointments and questions with Jesus at the cross and know that who He is and what He has done is enough?

I love these song words from When Tears Fall by Tim Hughes:

“I’ve had questions, without answers
I’ve known sorrow, I have known pain
but there’s one thing, that I’ll cling to
you are faithful, Jesus you’re true

When hope is lost, I’ll call you saviour
When pain surrounds, I’ll call you healer
When silence falls, you’ll be the song within my heart.”

Note: This devotion was written in January for www.threadsuk.com Two weeks later, I was challenged afresh to put my words into practice in this area again in 2 significant ways. I'm very much still learning! www.threadsuk.com/free-to-be-disappointed/

Free to be disappointed

I have recently written a thursday devotion for a blog site called Threads.  The post is about disappointments and freedom.

Read it through the link : http://www.threadsuk.com/free-to-be-disappointed/

Ill post the full thing here in a couple of weeks.

Choosing Gratitude

Some days I simply wake up already feeling fed up and frankly feeling quite sorry for myself. Hiding under a duvet all day would most definitely be my preferred option.

Why is it, on those days, that I seem to try and reason that it must, surely, be more effort for me to get out of bed than anyone else? Ridiculous.

I’ll admit that many times I resign myself to these feelings and just accept the dread, worry, anger, sadness or dis-satisfaction that greet me with my alarm. I might then check Facebook for a pick me up or grab a cuppa to wake me up. But, it doesn’t have to be like this. There is a choice to be made.

Sometimes when I’m with my mum, with widespread secondary cancer, she will ask me to join her in morning prayer. Since she went to Ffald-Y-Brenin, a healing retreat centre, she has followed a rhythm of prayer booklet, making time for God morning and evening. I admire her persistence and her passion to get Christians together in her street to pray for every local household is amazing.

However, I can’t stress enough that, on mornings like I described above, the LAST thing in the world I want to do – or feel I can do – is let go of my sulky mood and joyfully sing/say: “This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it” (part of the morning session prayer booklet).

That song is more than a cringe fest! The old tune is so hard to squeeze out of me, even though I try. I suddenly feel like I might as well be clutching a group of old ladies by the hand, and beaming at each one of them, tapping my foot in time with the tambourine, about to start a rendition of “Count your blessings… name them one, by one.”

Every fibre in my being objects, but then, I decided that if my mum can choose to be thankful and joyful with all she is facing, I should at least try, so I made myself. It was weird – by the end of the first verse I still had my teeth clenched but it became a little easier to sing and then by mid-chorus it was as if the weight was tangibly lifting from my shoulders. I can only attribute it to the fact that I had chosen to be grateful for my life and the day I had been given; I had chosen to include God and He had surprised me with joy.

I remembered that my mum used to spout a phrase: “Choose your attitude!” A phrase that would hurtle through the air toward me like a flying cheese grater, mainly because I simply didn’t want to change.
But what right have I got to be miserable? It seems to me that it is far too easy to focus selfishly on the one or two things that we are lacking or are unhappy with; but if only we lifted our head and looked around we would see that the number of reasons to give thanks would far outweigh that petty few. Life, breath, love, energy, a roof, food, friends and Jesus to name a few. 10,000 seems to be a number banded around at the moment.

“I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart. I will enter his courts with praise. I will say this is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice, for He has made me glad.
“O my soul praise, and forget not all His benefits” (Psalm 103).

They say there is power in proclaiming things aloud that makes the heart choose to believe truth. Although I tend to be sceptical on these things, I tell you, it is amazing. Afterwards, I may not be swinging from the chandeliers or dancing an Irish jig, however I am feeling much more uplifted and ready to face the day with my new attitude.

It might have taken me a while but I think I have finally realised that there is another option available on those dreary mornings. A decision to start with God, resist basing my faith on my feelings and make a choice to state/sing my praise and thanks to God, to open my eyes to everything I have to be thankful for – which is a lot!

Try it, after all ….you never know what blessings might follow.
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 This blog post was first published on www.threadsuk.com  30th October 2012
Image by Jocilyn Pope via stock.xchng images.

What right have I got to be miserable?

I have recently written a piece for the Threads website about 'Choosing gratitude'.
Please read it on their fabulous site:
http://www.threadsuk.com/choosing-gratitude
 

Emotionally significant

Special dates -  like an anniversary or birthday of someone who has died  - are a strange thing.  On the one hand, I rationalise, its not like this particular day I will miss that person any more - after all, not a day goes by without thoughts of him.  Yet somehow everything triggers off emotions and memories of that person - these dates are more emotionally significant than I realised.

Strangely, today's date crept up on me mentally - I think I only remembered the other day, but on reflection, may be subconsciously, my emotions and fatigue have been feeling it all week. The challenge on days like this is to not fall into a pit of sadness but instead make a conscious decision to celebrate all that made that person who they were.

On this day last September, to mark Dad's death day first anniversary, we were in Spain on a family holiday. It was a wonderful time and on the actual day we travelled into Barcelona as a family; Pete wearing his shorts, Mum; his glasses, me - his socks; We looked around Cathedrals and I know Dad would have been in his element but the moment that most made an impression was when we were resting in a cafe for a drink and the performers (2 fiddles and a drummer) came and played a (not very well known) song which me and Dad happened to sing at his best friend's wedding. Dad had changed the words to fit the occasion - so creatively.

Last December would have been his 60th birthday.  I always knew that would be significant but only realised the night before and to be honest I did get a bit resentful for an evening. I was touched and grateful to friends who, love my family nearly as much as we do and, spent time with my mum, took her to Southend and visited Dad's cousin who he cared for very much. The film Mrs Doubtfire was on in the afternoon and that was one of two movies he quoted a lot!  "I am job" in a variety of global accents - a glimpse of his humourous side.

So there are moments of joy when we remember a character trait or a funny story and inevitably there are moments of pain - but through it all, particularly today, we choose to give thanks to our loving Father God for who that person was. 

My mum will be with my sister and her husband tonight. Please continue to pray for her.

Today I have nothing special planned and a full day at work. But I will be buying and consuming watermelon (me and Dad shared a passion for watermelon in the summer) and singing today. I choose to say thanks for my wonderful Father - a most amazing gift to me for a whole 27 years. I realise how blessed I truly am.

He gets it

Mothers day, like Fathers Day and other commercially marked days, can be incredibly hard for so many people - whether they have become estranged, have struggles, are grieving the loss of their mum or child, or have an unfulfilled longing for motherhood.

The pain that person is feeling is unique to them and made up of many factors that others will not always appreciate. Plus we are all complex characters. The frustration that no one else can fully understand their depth of pain is fair, in a way, because it's true - at least humanly - especially if our family situation is different. I guess this is why so many struggle about what to say to someone in difficult circumstances - whether they are going through redundancy, a break up or bereaved.

This morning at church we sang an oldie which my Dad would have championed in his day.  Crown him with many Crowns.  As I sang through the motions of the familiar tune, I wondered whether many would know what those old fashioned words mean in our modern context. Then these words jumped out of me:

"The Son of Man...Who every grief hath known that wrings the human breast,
And takes and bears them for His own, that all in Him may rest."

Well what does that mean? Jesus, as a man, experienced every suffering that humans can experience and understands grief, pain, anger and the sadness that we may struggle with.  On the cross He beared them and took them onto himself. Jesus offers rest, peace and comfort.

Jesus understands. He gets it when no one else does! He has been there done that and bought the T shirt. He will carry you.

Consultant Day - Living on a prayer

Oncology Consultations have become a part of life but no matter how many times we sit in a waiting room to be called up - always asking more questions than they can answer - you have to fight a bit of fear. I know the words can't be worse but you wonder whether this is finally the moment when the stability ends.

This time mum started up a conversation with a lady - sharing cancer/chemo journeys. It was slightly awkward when the lady, after mentioning her brain tumour and mum about Dad's, said: "don't tell me, he's no longer here?" ...hmm awkward expression.

This week I have been challenged to trust Jesus with the future and surrender my hopes and fears afresh. Standing on the top of a mountain, away from the busyness, is an awesome way to get things back into perspective. I received a fresh dose of confidence that anything that comes against us will not be more than we can handle with His presence and help.

Anyway, we had pretty positive results. Dr was suprised she was walking so well without sticks because the scan showed a curved spine.  The infected bone cells have not reduced but equally it has not spread further which is so amazing considering the original prognosis and how far she has come beyond it - yay. The picture is stable and they are impressed there has been no dramatic expected increased uptake. As always we have to be aware that things could change dramatically anyday but we are really thankful to God to receive such news.

This continued stability really is testimony to a huge amount of prayer. When she went up to Ffald y Brenin she felt that God was continuing to work despite not seeing a huge physical breakthrough.  The side effects, tiredness and pain continue to be very difficult for her to bare so we continue to live on prayer. We are still holding out for full healing but are so grateful to a God who is always faithful regardless of whether we understand what He is up to or not and no matter what happens.

I pray that, whatever you are facing, you will be able to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. Eph 3:18.