Isn't that just too morbid?

It was Dying Matters Awareness week last week. They produced these findings:
"Although the majority of us think talking about death is less of a taboo than it was 20 years ago, two-thirds of us say we are not at ease discussing it, according to the survey.Only 16% of us have discussed with loved ones where we would like to die, only 18% of us have talked about the type of care and support we want at the end of our lives, and very few of us have discussed whether we have made a will or the type of funeral we want. It also revealed that most of us have used euphemisms as a way of avoiding using the words “death” and “dying”. The most commonly used being 'passed away' and 'deceased'."
A spokeswoman from Dying Matters said: "Although someone in Britain dies every minute, our research has found that many people do all they can to avoid talking about dying. Unless we talk openly about dying and death we won’t be able to get the care and support we want, where we want it at the end of our lives.”

I have to say I agree there seems to still be a taboo about death and some people talk about it as little as they possibly can - or are constantly treading on egg shells. However, the healing and grieving process and acceptance often start through talking about these deep experiences and feeling free to cry a lot.  Why would there be so many bereavement counsellors if this were not the case?  I know everyone is different but certainly for me talking about it at the appropriate times really helps.

As I grew up our family seemed more open about death than others and there was even a list on the notice board for each of them - requests for their funerals. Occasionally people express shock and I think some think it morbid for morbidity's sake. But we know there are important reasons for this - so that those surviving would be confident, informed and peaceful about the decisions for the funeral and to be truthful and open about our own mortality. Knowing what matters most to them and the legacy they would like to leave is really helpful.

Plenty of people are uncomfortable thinking or talking about death or even spending time with a grieving person maybe because of fear, because they feel it's unnaturally morbid or it makes them feel vulnerable. Obviously this subject - more than most - touches on our vulnerability.

This weekend I spent time with my Grandad (93) who is recovering in hospital after a severe fall. Being so elderly these things are not always free from complications. We had a really special time even though we all missed my Dad. I knew it wouldnt be long before Mum asked Grandad about his favourite hymns.

I think, through my experiences so far, I have become more matter-of-fact about these things - I know my mother has! I always joke that she should set up funeral consulting - but seriously - she is great at asking people (often the elder among us) whether they have written their will or funeral requests down. Hand in hand with this is her even greater openess to discussing God with friends.

At the visit Grandad was perky and gracious just like Dad. The way he spoke about the hospital was so similar and they were concerned about similar issues. He went to great lengths to emphasise that all the good stuff in his life was "God doing it - not me at all." The whole time concerned about everyone else being ok and providing for his family - exactly the same.

In a life threatening situation or serious illness - we have a need to convey our truest and deepest feelings to them before they die - how much we love and value them. Sadly not everyone gets that opportunity - that is a reason to appreciate people in your life and not take them for granted.

We shouldnt be afraid of death- I know this isnt easy because so much is tied up with it like pain and sadness. But take an opportunity to think about what you think happens when we die. If you know Jesus and have the secure hope and confidence of new life after, death has no ultimate sting - despite very painful earthly grief. 

My dream is to live my life to the full, unafraid and trusting, with open hands and pointing to Jesus all the way. This may take more than a lifetime to achieve - but I am always a work in progress.

2 Corinthians 4:18 (New International Version)
18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

You've got the love

I am so so priviledged to have friends who are like my family. I dont think everyone can say they have that.  They accept and love me as just as I am. Like the Bridget Jones quote - not less emotional or thinner or prettier? No, just as you are. Wow - I am so grateful!

I spent the weekend with people who do just that and I became a Godparent too. Then on the Monday, instead of feeling sorry for myself like I nearly did, I just arrived in a family home and just fitted in with the proceedings as if it was normal. Tea, kids, homework, games and chat - such a delight.

I just heard 'You've got the love' on the radio.  I love it. It is still really popular and it has been covered more than 3 times, most recently by Florence and the Machine. Obviously it is a song with a clear Christian message but everytime I hear it - it really speaks to me too. The theme behind the song is one of uplift and empowerment.

There are times when feelings overwhelm and I do feel like giving up and cant see the point of trying to keep going . Quite recently it has seemed hard to keep going with normal everyday things - I get distracted and spaced out - finding decisions a challenge. 

However, these lyrics remind us never to give up on hope. Circumstances change, friends can change or let you down but God is good always.

These words reminds me that I really do believe, with all my heart, that He has the love I need to see me through anything that I am faced with and every feeling I can possibly ever feel.

Maybe think about what these words mean to you, if anything. Go on - feel the love!

You've got the love - lyrics
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need To see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you've got the love I need to see me through


When food is gone you are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know my Saviour's love is real
You know it's real


You've got the love
You've got the love
You've got the love

Time after time I think "Oh Lord what's the use?"
Time after time I think it's just no good
Sooner or later in life, the things you love you lose
But you got the love I need to see me through


You've got the love
You've got the love
You've got the love


Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need to see me through

Choose hope not cynicism

I acknowledge that over the years as I grow older, I have gradually let cynicism in.  It is so easy for me to revert to cynicism when we are presented problems that seem impossible or a vision that seems just too unrealistic.

To stick with Jesus on this journey is far from easy. I know that some of our close friends are finding it particularly painful. I really hope that some of these words will encourage us all to move forward positively. 

Jim Wallis came over to speak at a work event last week and his message was really powerful and had a personal impact. He said of the British media that they agree about all the problems of the world but were full of cynicism. “Their response to me is “you are right Jim, but there is nothing we can do. We are just hurtling towards destruction, it will never change,”

“There are two types of people – the Saints and the Cynics - who see the world realistically. The difference is that the Saints make a choice to act in hope and the Cynics give you reasons for never acting. Cynicism is a buffer against commitment.

The more I think about this the more I realise that cynicism can so easily be an excuse not to commit to making a change or believing in something.  Its a get out clause.  So whilst its hard to keep going on this path I believe its the only thing we can do. Hope is a choice and a decision!

When thinking about the injustices in the world such as poverty, climate change, human trafficking, malnutrition, war and disease, this applies also.  We could just quote "the poor will always be with us" (which Jim says is a misquote btw) or "my tiny bit wont make a difference" but this is a true challenge to us to choose our attitude.

Jim continued: “Hope is not a feeling, or a mood, or being a cup half-full person. It is the decision you make and it comes from this thing we call faith. Hebrews says faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. My best paraphrase of that text is this: Hope is believing despite the evidence and watching the evidence change."

Wow that phrase grabbed me: "Hope is believing despite the evidence and watching the evidence change". But what does this mean in my personal context? It means that despite the diagnosis for my mum's bones we should not lose faith that healing can happen.

Two more things I took away: "We look around us and only see mountains that seem too big to move. But we must remember that we are in the mountain-moving business! Faith prompts hope; hope causes action; action leads to change."

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Hebrews 6:19 (The Message): "We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us"

Psalm 71:14 (New International Version ): "As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more."

Plodding on with Grandma

Sometimes its hard to keep things in perspective. Everywhere I turn I seem to hear sad news and difficulties that my friends and family are going through.  It is really hard to keep all things balanced and sometimes I wonder if I am a bit of an emotional wreck - one minute being upbeat and the next feeling desperate. 

About 7 years ago all my family were gathered for a meal and my Granddad (dad's side) told us how he may not be here the next time we get together. Everyone went silent and did not know how to respond to this bombshell. Suddenly I came out with "oh well, plod on". Ever since that day I have been teased by other members of my family for saying this phrase, I guess because it sounded endearing but a little bit flipant in the context. Also Granddad's still going today at 95.

I have also been spending a lot of time with my mum and I have been living back with her for about 4/5 out of 7 nights a week. One day when a friend was with her I went to visit my Grandma (mum's side).  As I went to her church with her I had a fresh revelation of what an amazing woman she is.  Whilst I am used to her encouraging phrases down the phone, it was only when I heard her say them to someone completely new and young that it dawned on me how special she is, passing on her pearls of wisdom.  Her three Ps are her favourite saying "Plod on, Press on and Pray on". She really lives this and is the best prayer warrior I know.

So even though I cringe occasionally when I get the little 3 P sermon, I know that this advice is exactly what I need to truly take on board at this time of my life.  Despite darkness, fear and uncertainty I will try and do all 3 because I know it will be worth it in the end to say that I did not give up fighting.

These words to an oldie hymn served as my reminder to hold steadfast and keep plodding on!
Jesus, I have promised to serve you till the end;
Be always with me, my master and my friend
I will not fear the battle if you are by my side
nor wander from the pathway if you you will be my guide

Let me see your foot-marks, and in them plant my own;
My hope to follow duly is in your strength alone:
Guide me, call me, draw me, uphold me to the end;
Then in heaven receive me, my Saviour and my friend.

Scripture that reminds me of my hope: (thanks for the prompt Creatormade):

2 Corinthians: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (NIV)

Hebrews 11.1: "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see". (NLT)

Still I will sing

Ive always loved singing.  Its one of the main things that makes me me. I can sing about most things and often sing when I am in the strangest of moods, happy or sad.  Then there is that odd moment where the emotion grabs and overwhelms. These moments are usually because I am feeling God's presence, or declaring how good God is or realising his love for me afresh despite what I think of myself.  Often these are the moments when I am singing through blimin gritted teeth and not feeling like singing at all.  I usually end up mouthing the words to avoid unflattering squeeks.

I just felt the need to remind myself of this song 'When Silence Falls' which pretty much sums it up.

Version with 29th Chapter rap:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdFqSaz1xTI&p=DCBACACD927FA5D3&index=33&feature=BF    

More Classic version with Tim's verses and better images: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWUimGv_xrU

this grief malarky

The week following my Dad's death all four of us immersed ourselves into really hard work preparing for the 2 services we had scheduled for the following Monday. We are a unique family and Dad was too so we went all out and pull out every stop.  Emailing, designing, phone calls, meetings, arguments, photo searching, tribute collecting, writing, decorating, painting, printing, cutting, sticking, digging out belongings, arranging and so many more tasks filled our days to the brim. We certainly had no time to sit down and be miserable for even a minute.  It was quite amusing when my brother-in-law's boss said that they would ease him back in gradually and he had been working harder than ever on his compassionate leave.

This for us was the way we wanted to do it because we were keen to give Dad the best send off ever and a thanksgiving service he would have been proud of and done himself. Most people would not have even attempted some of the stuff that happened in such a short time frame but we succeeded by the grace of God and it really couldnt have been better - thanks to the help of so many willing volunteers and friends.

We have been very encouraged and supported by friends and family with loads of lovely heartfelt messages, kind words and flowers - thanks everyone! I have kept my cards up so that I can re-read them when I need.

They say that there are stages of grief and they go in a particular order - but I think that, like most things in life, it depends who you are and the situation you are in. We all cope differently and have different personality types and emotional wiring. I have definately found that I am not a conventional person. 

Most of the time over the last couple of weeks I just honestly dont know what to say when people ask how I am - I actually dont know! What I do know is that I am really tired - much more than normal and I dream of sleep all day and then at night cant get any. So sorry if you dont feel you know how to talk to me or whether I want to talk or not. The answer is I may vary hugely and also even flip within a small amount of minutes.

My biggest fear now is that we wont have my mum for long BUT I know I have to be grateful for the time I have her and really value her in my life. I will try to keep walking the tightrope of balance between believing God  fully for a miracle and keeping asking but also acknowledging inevitable feelings.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow - as my Dad would sing

Definately see ya later, Dad

After what seems like the most painful week next to Dad, in bad pain at times, and getting worse so gradually, he finally entered into heaven on Sunday morning. He is healed in the most ultimate way now.

At 5.30 we gathered round his bed and had an amazing prayer time.  Not praying for his soul (cos we were sure of where that had gone) but thanking God for his life and praying for God to be in our situation. As I looked at my Daddy without breath it really hit home in a sad but hopeful way that the real him wasnt there anymore - just his body.

I had spent quite a few days in that nursing home desperately wondering what God was up to, in terms of the timing, but the more we think about it now we realise it was His perfect timing.  The day before, my sister and mum saw a sunset and key visitors arrived  - a close friend and his Father (95yrs) and brother. That evening we watched last night of the Proms and I sang along to most of the tunes. When it came to 'You will never walk alone' both my sister and I sang it to our Dad together (to us it is not so symbolic of football as with everyone else) and he opened his eyes for a few seconds for the final time - wow emotional!

Also, we reached the point (of instead of just thinking it) we were actually saying out loud: "Its ok you can go to heaven now, you can go with Jesus and you can trust us to Him too, we love you, goodbye."

At one stage I was concerned about how we may need to read the Bible and remind Dad about Jesus' truth so he doesn't forget.  My incredible and wise sister just said: "we don't need to remind him. Jesus is written right across his heart." Of course - If we hadnt talked about Jesus all week it wouldnt have changed a thing.

I feel like the word we would choose for this situation is not 'relieved' but 'released'. Throughout his illness Dad had spontaneously burst into a rendition of 'Rejoice in the Lord always' or 'Praise God from whom all blessings flow' - now he is singing worship forever more, he is loving it and how cool.

You know in those ghost films when the person raises up and looks down on their family crying over their body? - it entered into my head, at the time, that maybe Dad could see us doing that.  Then those thoughts were quashed with a reassuring discussion about how he would be so overwhelmed with seeing Jesus face to face that why on earth would he look back at us or this broken world when he has moved to God's house!

Heaven must be indescribable. We have also been talking about (which kind of twists your mind a little) the thought that God and heaven are outside earthly time. Therefore I believe that Dad wont be waiting up there for years going, "heaven is fun and all that but when are my family going to get here?" We reckon it would feel like we are arriving together.

So we are very sad yes and life will never be the same again but we will choose to be thankful, keep singing (even if through gritted teeth) and know that His will is perfect.



So it isnt goodbye forever, it is definately 'see ya later'.