Is it ok to be sad at Christmas?

Inevitably at some point during the celebrations each year we'd take a few minutes to remember those who are feeling sad at Christmas; particularly those in broken families or the bereaved. Anyone on their own at Christmas was always welcome a place at our table.

Many are facing tragedy even in the last day or so, like the Glasgow incident, or have lived through the unimaginable slaughter of their children in Pakistan or abduction in Nigeria. We have no idea but God weeps with them.

For me, the run up to Christmas this year has been full of well-intentioned people - friends, neighbours, aunts and a solicitor - reminding me with sympathetic head tilts, that this Christmas is "going to be difficult and painful one". Well fair enough, it will be tinged with sadness as it’s my first Christmas without my parents - both of whom have now died of cancer in their late 50s. The house feels lonely and the family halved.

But you don’t have to look to the stories in the headlines or too far or deep to see others in pain. All around us are people trying to mask depression, anxiety, stress, sadness or loneliness with a fake smile, santa hat or Christmas glitter. What is it about ‘Christmas cheer’ that makes us feel under obligation to go through this? Is it ok to acknowledge sadness at Christmas? I think so. But the good news is that the story doesn’t stop here.

We know that life is not a perfect picture postcard, that the Bethlehem scene where all seems idyllic is not quite the truth – a stress birth, a manky stable, threat of death from Herod etc.  Jesus foreknew that his death was going to be a very painful thing and that he would face opposition from every side. Knowing he and others would face great pain didn’t mean he walked away. He embraced it, knowing that through the greatest pain comes the greatest forgiveness, love and indeed the hope of the whole world.

So, I’m not going to pretend that all is jolly just because Mariah, the Queen or a Christmas film is on and the tinsel is up. I know that true joy is only found in Emmanuel, God with us as a human, and it is available freely. Jesus came to a world in pain and into the mess of humanity and meets us in it. He truly feels our pain and will bring us true comfort and joy. The true wonder of Christmas.

What now?

Reminding myself of my choices

So we’ve just come back from the latest oncology consultation with some disappointing news. At one point when we were looking at spikes in levels and new white patches on the scans, Dr S joked that no matter what was said, mum would still smile.

Later on, reflecting on my shock, I began reading back through some of my blog posts, 2010-2012, when these kind of consultations were more commonplace for us. Most of the time mum’s appointments had been an opportunity to stun the doctors with the fact that a. she was still alive and b. she could walk – a good three years of stability passed the original prognosis.

In one post Consultant day - living on prayer (Mar 2012), I reflected on the fear you have to fight in the waiting room wondering whether this is the moment the stability ends. That week, even though the results were ok, I was challenged to trust Jesus with the future and surrender my hopes and fears afresh. I am now in desperate need to remind myself of this challenge and embrace it again!

I am reminding myself again that no matter how tempting it is to batten down the hatches in the storm or shut myself off from others, lifting my head and looking outwards puts things in perspective and enables me to continue living life and being grateful for what we have.

I remember that we should only ask ourselves “what now?” not “why?”. I remember that when first processing the terminal prognosis of both my parents I announced that I don’t want to end up bitter or holding on to my wounds. So how will I respond now? When the cares of life are overwhelming and my heart is sinking down will I fix my eyes on the hope of glory, on the one who can provide me peace beyond understanding?

God doesn’t reveal his plans beforehand and mostly we have no clue at his purposes but he does reveal himself to us and draw alongside us.

I also wrote this after my dad died: “My biggest fear now is that we won’t have my mum for long BUT I know I have to be grateful for the time I have her and really value her in my life. I will try to keep walking the tightrope of balance between believing God fully for a miracle and keeping asking but also acknowledging inevitable feelings.”

So, we continue to live on prayer and know that we have a God who is always faithful regardless of whether we understand what He is up to or not.

I pray that, whatever you are facing, you will be able to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. Eph 3:18.

We shall rise

A crackly 1980s recording of my favourite voice in the world, accompanied by his guitar, sings: “We shall rise, we shall rise….on that resurrection morning, we shall rise. Death has lost its sting for us, death has lost its sting for us, death has lost its sting forevermore” Such appropriate truth.  This was a recording of my dad, played at his own dad’s funeral a few months ago. 

I should have thought better than to arrive at the Norfolk hospital alone back in October. The thought that I might need backup entered my head at one point but I convinced myself that I was now so familiar with hospitals that it would not be a problem.  I’m not shocked by anything anymore am I?!

Well. I didn’t expect my Granddad, (my Dad’s dad as mentioned in previous posts) at the grand age of 96, to be in fine nick but he was dramatically altered and struggled to communicate. 

Perching on the side of his bed and holding his frail hand, I desperately tried to let him know that he didn’t need to fear or panic. As well as the family similarities in their look, the looks and the gasps of momentary confusion and panic were such a painful reminder of later days with my Dad.

I pressed on through and we talked about each member of the family and how they were doing and all he could keep saying was ‘I’m so lucky to have such a lovely family’.

Apart from the question of whether I had enough money or had yet found a boyfriend, which made me smile because he’d never normally asked such things, I assured him we were all grateful to him for providing us with such a rich spiritual legacy. 

I had been in that same ward and situation 2 years ago, and he had bounced back so many times, but this time felt different.  I just knew this was the last time I would visit him. I almost didn’t want to say bye. When he said “I’ll leave you to go to sleep now” I knew there wasn’t much point dragging it out any longer. 

Praying out loud that Jesus would be very present in perfect peace and that he would be assured of his saviour, he heard, nodded and gave a big thumbs up.  Aware that the tears were streaming down my face and surrounding visitors were pretending not to look or to overhear religious words, I didn’t mind. 

So why am I sharing this? Don’t we all have stories of family members dying? And yes he was of age. 

But it was Gogglebox (C4 Friday nights) the other day when they spoke about being afraid of death that made me think back on these events.  Then there was good old Dot Branning on Eastenders yesterday wondering whether her son Nick had ever accepted Jesus and if she could have done more to help him understand the gospel. It was actually a very moving and realistic prayer. 

Have my Dad and Granddad been defeated by death? I don't believe so at all. Not when Jesus is involved.  

Those song words reveal to me an amazing truth on a deep level. How can someone claim that death has no power over them even though it is as inevitable, devastating as it is? For someone who puts their trust in Jesus, life forever with God is on offer.  How do you feel about that?

What a laugh!

At one point on Saturday night I could almost see and hear my Dad in absolute hysterics, his infectious laughter came to my mind so strongly it was as if he was right there. I could hear his tremendously quick-witted puns playing out in my head, even though I struggled to formulate mine to share.

This family of friends are people that we have always enjoyed laughing with and have shared friendship through years of ups and downs belonging to each one of us. They knew my dad as the pun king. There have been one or two show-stoppers from dad that Tim Vine and Milton Jones (our faves) would struggle to top!

At one point we were discussing death. Mum was being real about her feelings but the atmosphere was light, hopeful and immediately we were laughing at last requests. Steve wants a hearse on a bicycle, everyone cycling behind and the chuckle brothers with the coffin...'to me, to you'.  When talking about the fastor pastor with a hearse on his motorcycle sidecar we got: 'eat my dust to dust'

'To Russ', we said spontaneously and naturally when thinking of just how many times over the last 3 years we have said: 'Russ would have made a pun out of that' or 'there's a Russ-joke '

George Bernard Shaw said: "Life does not cease to be funny when someone dies any more than it ceases to be serious when someone laughs."

It is important and liberating to be able to laugh, even when life deals you tough circumstances. Many would think it insensitive or bizarre to laugh through a time of tears but for me it has been a key part of my grief over the last few years. It's incredibly freeing to cry and smile together, inspired by a good memory, a funny experience or a whopper of a well-delivered line.

Thinking back, I know this laughter is nothing new. Even in those horrendous moments when facing Dad's decline alongside mum's illness, the comedy was not far away. Dad always called mum Mrs Malaprop as she is indeed awesome at giving us a giggle when she gets the latest words mixed up. But even among the strongest sadness and pain I remember joking about buy-one-get-one-free funerals and double wheelchairs.

Anyone who has been through grief, severe disappointment or hardship will know that humour can rear its head during the strangest of times. Some would say that it is nature's way of giving us a perspective on a situation and allowing us to rise above it.

I believe that God has an awesome sense of humour, inspires ours and loves laughter. Humour gives balance when life throws us a curve ball. Don’t ever feel guilty for laughing or smiling even if you or loved ones are going through a tough time – God knows your motives.

While in any kind of bereavement or disappointment it may take a bit of time to get back to the belly laughs,  you can still get lost in something funny or smile and chuckle at a memory, joke or situation.  Those moments provide respite and help us lift our perspective to see that life goes on and there is still good in it, regardless.


While the natural reaction might be tears and sadness, and that is important to express, I feel that allowing yourself opportunities to be thankful, laugh, or embrace a spontaneously moment of laughter, helps you heal too. 



Job 8:21

He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.

Distant Dads

You know what it's like, a few months before a big day and Hallmark starts raking it in - 'Get this for your valentine' or 'are you ready for Fathers' day?' Is it just me or does it seem to get more intense every year?

Prompted by the ads, I asked myself if I was ready for fathers' day. I was convinced if I tackled it head on by keeping busy and avoiding too much time reading facebook daddy devotions, then I could get through the day no problem. I should have remembered that these kind of days mean emotions are unpredictable no matter what. And that's ok.

Whatever big day the card shops and TV ads are promoting, there will always be people for whom the celebration highlights painful memories, a sense of loss, or stirs resentment because of a broken relationship.

I am so grateful and honoured to have had a wonderful father. While I miss him like mad, today I had a tangible burden for those who have not experienced the qualities of a good father or have a relationship with a Dad figure.

I was saddened to read this week that by the end of childhood, a British child is much more likely to have a TV in their bedroom than a father in their home. The Centre of Social Justice report says that 50 per cent of 15-year-olds no longer live with both their parents, with a million UK children growing up without a father.

It is totally awesome, and of course right, to honour and give thanks for our loved ones on special occasions. At the same time let us be mindful of those who are emotionally delicate and also remember that we don't have to wait till the 'anointed' day to show our affection.

It's no surprise, that negative experiences with father figures can mean many find it extremely challenging to relate to God as their father. Jennie Pollock wrote this week on this subject saying: "It can be tempting, when dealing with such a sensitive issue, simply to veer around it. There is so much to discover about God, perhaps it would be easiest to just avoid mentions of His fatherhood and focus on other wonderful aspects of His character"

"The Fatherhood of God is not just an extra, but a core aspect of His identity. He is a father who is never distant, He is interested in your every achievement and concerned about your every hurt. He will never let you down."

Having a fresh revelation of my Father God's love makes me remember just what a life-changing impact knowing Him has. The God who made the universe desires such an intimate relationship with us. Wow.

Song words that I love: "Oh father of the fatherless, to whom all families are blessed, I love the way you father me. Before such love I stand amazed and ever will through all my days, I love the way you father me. Father me, forever you will father me and in your embrace I will be forever secure. I love the way you father me."

Isn't that just too morbid?

To mark Dying Matters Awareness week I have decided to re-post a blog post that I wrote this time 2 years ago....

As I grew up our family seemed more open about death than others and there was even a list on the notice board for each of them - requests for their funerals. Occasionally people express shock and I think some think it morbid for morbidity's sake. But we know there are important reasons for this - so that those surviving would be confident, informed and peaceful about the decisions for the funeral and to be truthful and open about our own mortality. Knowing what matters most to them and the legacy they would like to leave is really helpful.

Plenty of people are uncomfortable thinking or talking about death or even spending time with a grieving person maybe because of fear, because they feel it's unnaturally morbid or it makes them feel vulnerable. Obviously this subject - more than most - touches on our vulnerability.

Dying Matters produced these findings: "Although the majority of us think talking about death is less of a taboo than it was 20 years ago, two-thirds of us say we are not at ease discussing it, according to the survey.Only 16% of us have discussed with loved ones where we would like to die, only 18% of us have talked about the type of care and support we want at the end of our lives, and very few of us have discussed whether we have made a will or the type of funeral we want. It also revealed that most of us have used euphemisms as a way of avoiding using the words “death” and “dying”. The most commonly used being 'passed away' and 'deceased'."

A spokeswoman from Dying Matters said: "Although someone in Britain dies every minute, our research has found that many people do all they can to avoid talking about dying. Unless we talk openly about dying and death we won’t be able to get the care and support we want, where we want it at the end of our lives.”

I have to say I agree there seems to still be a taboo about death and some people talk about it as little as they possibly can - or are constantly treading on egg shells. However, the healing and grieving process and acceptance often start through talking about these deep experiences and feeling free to cry a lot.  Why would there be so many bereavement counsellors if this were not the case?  I know everyone is different but certainly for me talking about it at the appropriate times really helps.

This weekend I spent time with my Grandad (93) who is recovering in hospital after a severe fall. Being so elderly these things are not always free from complications. We had a really special time even though we all missed my Dad. I knew it wouldn't be long before Mum asked Grandad about his favourite hymns.

I think, through my experiences so far, I have become more matter-of-fact about these things - I know my mother has! I always joke that she should set up funeral consulting - but seriously - she is great at asking people (often the elder among us) whether they have written their will or funeral requests down. Hand in hand with this is her even greater openness to discussing God with friends.

At the visit Grandad was perky and gracious just like Dad. The way he spoke about the hospital was so similar and they were concerned about similar issues. He went to great lengths to emphasise that all the good stuff in his life was "God doing it - not me at all." The whole time concerned about everyone else being ok and providing for his family - exactly the same.

In a life threatening situation or serious illness - we have a need to convey our truest and deepest feelings to them before they die - how much we love and value them. Sadly not everyone gets that opportunity - that is a reason to appreciate people in your life and not take them for granted.

We shouldn't be afraid of death- I know this isn't easy because so much is tied up with it like pain and sadness. But take an opportunity to think about what you think happens when we die. If you know Jesus and have the secure hope and confidence of new life after, death has no ultimate sting - despite very painful earthly grief. 

My dream is to live my life to the full, unafraid and trusting, with open hands and pointing to Jesus all the way. This may take more than a lifetime to achieve - but I am always a work in progress.

2 Corinthians 4:18 (New International Version)
18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Pain on Mothers' day?

- This post is from my blog archive and written last year. Thought it appropriate to republish in solidarity with friends who find this day tough. - 

Mothers day, like Fathers Day and other commercially marked days, can be incredibly hard for so many people - whether they have become estranged, have struggles, are grieving the loss of their mum or child, or have an unfulfilled longing for motherhood.

The pain that person is feeling is unique to them and made up of many factors that others will not always appreciate. Plus we are all complex characters. The frustration that no one else can fully understand their depth of pain is fair, in a way, because it's true - at least humanly - especially if our family situation is different. I guess this is why so many struggle about what to say to someone in difficult circumstances - whether they are going through redundancy, a break up or bereaved.

This morning at church we sang an oldie which my Dad would have championed in his day.  Crown him with many Crowns.  As I sang through the motions of the familiar tune, I wondered whether many would know what those old fashioned words mean in our modern context. Then these words jumped out of me:

"The Son of Man...Who every grief hath known that wrings the human breast,
And takes and bears them for His own, that all in Him may rest."

Well what does that mean? Jesus, as a man, experienced every suffering that humans can experience and understands grief, pain, anger and the sadness that we may struggle with.  On the cross He beared them and took them onto himself. Jesus offers rest, peace and comfort.

Jesus understands. He gets it when no one else does! He has been there done that and bought the T shirt. He will carry you.

Free to be disappointed

“Are you disappointed with God?”

I was taken aback at the direct questioning. Instant indignation. ‘Of course not, that would be wrong. I made the decision to stick with my good God and praise Him through any circumstance,’ I thought.

Resisting the urge to vocalise my thoughts, I took a step back to reflect.

A few weeks later, prompted in a conference ministry time, I found myself voicing out-loud a series of disappointments from the last few years, bubbling up unexpectedly from deep within.

Maybe you have been ill for years or can’t see a breakthrough with your non-Christian friends? Maybe you long for family or your life plans already seem dashed? Maybe you face debt, redundancy or grieve the loss of a loved one?

When we are faced with circumstances we would never choose, it’s only human to be angry, confused and disappointed. As we go through Christian motions, have we let these experiences cloud our view of who Jesus really is? Have we started to view Jesus through this distorted lens of experience, rather than through truth in Scripture?

God talks directly to Abraham and Isaac in Genesis but Joseph gets random dreams through Egyptians. Joseph had jolly good reason to be disappointed in God. His efforts to do good had been thrown back in his face – sold into slavery, he refused Potiphar’s wife and was thrown in jail and when he saved a cell mate’s life they forgot he existed.

Philip Yancey in Disappointed with God, says: “Through everything Joseph learned to trust not that God would prevent hardship but that He would redeem even the hardship. Choking back tears, he explained to his brothers… you intended to harm but God intended it for good.”

Debra Searle is famous for rowing 3,000 miles across the Atlantic solo, after her husband and team-mate was rescued after a week. It took three and a half months instead of an intended six weeks and she faced prolonged isolation and very real dangers. Sobbing at the oars, she would row 20 miles and then head winds would push her back 30. She said: “I had to choose my attitude. Nothing else out there I had a choice about but I did have a choice about how I responded to those things.”

We too need to choose our attitude, claim the promises of God and trust Him despite circumstances, And trusting Him doesn’t mean just putting up and shutting up. God can definitely handle us telling Him why we are hurt, disappointed or angry. Be real.

It was so good for my soul to be real and to expose lies and cynicism. They were replaced by love and freedom.

I have a choice. Do I let questions and mysteries become the most important thing? Do I refuse to worship until I get an answer? Or do I leave these disappointments and questions with Jesus at the cross and know that who He is and what He has done is enough?

I love these song words from When Tears Fall by Tim Hughes:

“I’ve had questions, without answers
I’ve known sorrow, I have known pain
but there’s one thing, that I’ll cling to
you are faithful, Jesus you’re true

When hope is lost, I’ll call you saviour
When pain surrounds, I’ll call you healer
When silence falls, you’ll be the song within my heart.”

Note: This devotion was written in January for www.threadsuk.com Two weeks later, I was challenged afresh to put my words into practice in this area again in 2 significant ways. I'm very much still learning! www.threadsuk.com/free-to-be-disappointed/

Free to be disappointed

I have recently written a thursday devotion for a blog site called Threads.  The post is about disappointments and freedom.

Read it through the link : http://www.threadsuk.com/free-to-be-disappointed/

Ill post the full thing here in a couple of weeks.

Choosing Gratitude

Some days I simply wake up already feeling fed up and frankly feeling quite sorry for myself. Hiding under a duvet all day would most definitely be my preferred option.

Why is it, on those days, that I seem to try and reason that it must, surely, be more effort for me to get out of bed than anyone else? Ridiculous.

I’ll admit that many times I resign myself to these feelings and just accept the dread, worry, anger, sadness or dis-satisfaction that greet me with my alarm. I might then check Facebook for a pick me up or grab a cuppa to wake me up. But, it doesn’t have to be like this. There is a choice to be made.

Sometimes when I’m with my mum, with widespread secondary cancer, she will ask me to join her in morning prayer. Since she went to Ffald-Y-Brenin, a healing retreat centre, she has followed a rhythm of prayer booklet, making time for God morning and evening. I admire her persistence and her passion to get Christians together in her street to pray for every local household is amazing.

However, I can’t stress enough that, on mornings like I described above, the LAST thing in the world I want to do – or feel I can do – is let go of my sulky mood and joyfully sing/say: “This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it” (part of the morning session prayer booklet).

That song is more than a cringe fest! The old tune is so hard to squeeze out of me, even though I try. I suddenly feel like I might as well be clutching a group of old ladies by the hand, and beaming at each one of them, tapping my foot in time with the tambourine, about to start a rendition of “Count your blessings… name them one, by one.”

Every fibre in my being objects, but then, I decided that if my mum can choose to be thankful and joyful with all she is facing, I should at least try, so I made myself. It was weird – by the end of the first verse I still had my teeth clenched but it became a little easier to sing and then by mid-chorus it was as if the weight was tangibly lifting from my shoulders. I can only attribute it to the fact that I had chosen to be grateful for my life and the day I had been given; I had chosen to include God and He had surprised me with joy.

I remembered that my mum used to spout a phrase: “Choose your attitude!” A phrase that would hurtle through the air toward me like a flying cheese grater, mainly because I simply didn’t want to change.
But what right have I got to be miserable? It seems to me that it is far too easy to focus selfishly on the one or two things that we are lacking or are unhappy with; but if only we lifted our head and looked around we would see that the number of reasons to give thanks would far outweigh that petty few. Life, breath, love, energy, a roof, food, friends and Jesus to name a few. 10,000 seems to be a number banded around at the moment.

“I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart. I will enter his courts with praise. I will say this is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice, for He has made me glad.
“O my soul praise, and forget not all His benefits” (Psalm 103).

They say there is power in proclaiming things aloud that makes the heart choose to believe truth. Although I tend to be sceptical on these things, I tell you, it is amazing. Afterwards, I may not be swinging from the chandeliers or dancing an Irish jig, however I am feeling much more uplifted and ready to face the day with my new attitude.

It might have taken me a while but I think I have finally realised that there is another option available on those dreary mornings. A decision to start with God, resist basing my faith on my feelings and make a choice to state/sing my praise and thanks to God, to open my eyes to everything I have to be thankful for – which is a lot!

Try it, after all ….you never know what blessings might follow.
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 This blog post was first published on www.threadsuk.com  30th October 2012
Image by Jocilyn Pope via stock.xchng images.

What right have I got to be miserable?

I have recently written a piece for the Threads website about 'Choosing gratitude'.
Please read it on their fabulous site:
http://www.threadsuk.com/choosing-gratitude
 

Emotionally significant

Special dates -  like an anniversary or birthday of someone who has died  - are a strange thing.  On the one hand, I rationalise, its not like this particular day I will miss that person any more - after all, not a day goes by without thoughts of him.  Yet somehow everything triggers off emotions and memories of that person - these dates are more emotionally significant than I realised.

Strangely, today's date crept up on me mentally - I think I only remembered the other day, but on reflection, may be subconsciously, my emotions and fatigue have been feeling it all week. The challenge on days like this is to not fall into a pit of sadness but instead make a conscious decision to celebrate all that made that person who they were.

On this day last September, to mark Dad's death day first anniversary, we were in Spain on a family holiday. It was a wonderful time and on the actual day we travelled into Barcelona as a family; Pete wearing his shorts, Mum; his glasses, me - his socks; We looked around Cathedrals and I know Dad would have been in his element but the moment that most made an impression was when we were resting in a cafe for a drink and the performers (2 fiddles and a drummer) came and played a (not very well known) song which me and Dad happened to sing at his best friend's wedding. Dad had changed the words to fit the occasion - so creatively.

Last December would have been his 60th birthday.  I always knew that would be significant but only realised the night before and to be honest I did get a bit resentful for an evening. I was touched and grateful to friends who, love my family nearly as much as we do and, spent time with my mum, took her to Southend and visited Dad's cousin who he cared for very much. The film Mrs Doubtfire was on in the afternoon and that was one of two movies he quoted a lot!  "I am job" in a variety of global accents - a glimpse of his humourous side.

So there are moments of joy when we remember a character trait or a funny story and inevitably there are moments of pain - but through it all, particularly today, we choose to give thanks to our loving Father God for who that person was. 

My mum will be with my sister and her husband tonight. Please continue to pray for her.

Today I have nothing special planned and a full day at work. But I will be buying and consuming watermelon (me and Dad shared a passion for watermelon in the summer) and singing today. I choose to say thanks for my wonderful Father - a most amazing gift to me for a whole 27 years. I realise how blessed I truly am.

He gets it

Mothers day, like Fathers Day and other commercially marked days, can be incredibly hard for so many people - whether they have become estranged, have struggles, are grieving the loss of their mum or child, or have an unfulfilled longing for motherhood.

The pain that person is feeling is unique to them and made up of many factors that others will not always appreciate. Plus we are all complex characters. The frustration that no one else can fully understand their depth of pain is fair, in a way, because it's true - at least humanly - especially if our family situation is different. I guess this is why so many struggle about what to say to someone in difficult circumstances - whether they are going through redundancy, a break up or bereaved.

This morning at church we sang an oldie which my Dad would have championed in his day.  Crown him with many Crowns.  As I sang through the motions of the familiar tune, I wondered whether many would know what those old fashioned words mean in our modern context. Then these words jumped out of me:

"The Son of Man...Who every grief hath known that wrings the human breast,
And takes and bears them for His own, that all in Him may rest."

Well what does that mean? Jesus, as a man, experienced every suffering that humans can experience and understands grief, pain, anger and the sadness that we may struggle with.  On the cross He beared them and took them onto himself. Jesus offers rest, peace and comfort.

Jesus understands. He gets it when no one else does! He has been there done that and bought the T shirt. He will carry you.

Consultant Day - Living on a prayer

Oncology Consultations have become a part of life but no matter how many times we sit in a waiting room to be called up - always asking more questions than they can answer - you have to fight a bit of fear. I know the words can't be worse but you wonder whether this is finally the moment when the stability ends.

This time mum started up a conversation with a lady - sharing cancer/chemo journeys. It was slightly awkward when the lady, after mentioning her brain tumour and mum about Dad's, said: "don't tell me, he's no longer here?" ...hmm awkward expression.

This week I have been challenged to trust Jesus with the future and surrender my hopes and fears afresh. Standing on the top of a mountain, away from the busyness, is an awesome way to get things back into perspective. I received a fresh dose of confidence that anything that comes against us will not be more than we can handle with His presence and help.

Anyway, we had pretty positive results. Dr was suprised she was walking so well without sticks because the scan showed a curved spine.  The infected bone cells have not reduced but equally it has not spread further which is so amazing considering the original prognosis and how far she has come beyond it - yay. The picture is stable and they are impressed there has been no dramatic expected increased uptake. As always we have to be aware that things could change dramatically anyday but we are really thankful to God to receive such news.

This continued stability really is testimony to a huge amount of prayer. When she went up to Ffald y Brenin she felt that God was continuing to work despite not seeing a huge physical breakthrough.  The side effects, tiredness and pain continue to be very difficult for her to bare so we continue to live on prayer. We are still holding out for full healing but are so grateful to a God who is always faithful regardless of whether we understand what He is up to or not and no matter what happens.

I pray that, whatever you are facing, you will be able to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. Eph 3:18.

Arts Festival in Devon village will raise awareness of Paul's Place

This is something I have been helping promote and quoted in. Me and my family really benefitted from our stay at Paul's Place. Its a wonderful charity and run by truly inspiring people. If your in North Devon go along, if not tell people about this wonderful opportunity for young adults who need it to have a great break. Lucy x

7th September 2011

GEORGEHAM TO GO ARTY TO RAISE AWARENESS OF PAUL’S PLACE
Arts Festival will aid new charity providing breaks for young adults facing bereavement or a life-threatening illness.

Georgeham Arts Festival will raise awareness of Paul’s Fund and Paul’s Place, a charity and B&B retreat centre that opened its doors earlier this year. The festival will inspire this picturesque village just inland from Croyde, with live music and a vibrant art and photography exhibition the weekend of 16-18 September.

Paul’s Fund and Paul’s Place provide a chance for young adults, who are experiencing bereavement or a life-threatening illness, to have a much needed break on the stunning North Devon coast. The death of their 19 year old son Paul, from a brain tumour in 2008, motivated David and Pippa Morton to move to Georgeham to bring comfort to others and set up a B&B which is also used as the retreat and has self-catering facilities.

The weekend of free events will kick off with an evening of live music at the Kings Arms Pub on Friday 16th. The Polarities and Rhythms exhibition, opening on Saturday evening, features North Devon artists such as published illustrator Miriam Latimer and painter Paul Kenton. It will also profile some of Paul Morton’s own photography, and submissions from recent fine art, graphics, illustration and film graduates, as well as the local Georgeham Arts Group. Visitors can browse the collection or purchase pieces and are also invited to visit Paul’s Place for a cream tea on Sunday afternoon.

The Arts Festival is organised by some of Paul’s old school friends from Bristol to support his parents in the venture and raise funds to help other young adults in difficult life circumstances.

A close friend of Paul and co-ordinator of the exhibition, Jo Stockdale,23, spoke of her motivation for being involved and the passion she has for Paul’s Place: “My father died of a brain tumour when I was a teenager, so I really understand the value of ‘time out’ from everyday life to rebuild lost strength. This is why I wanted to organise a fundraising event. The focus on 18-30 year olds is so important. Often this age bracket is neglected among respite charities. Let’s enable more young adults to stay at Paul’s Place and get the rest and recuperation they need.”

David and Pippa Morton said: “It is a delight to host such a positive event which enables us to let people know about our facilities and the vision”

David added: “Paul was an unassuming young man, but he was musical, and had a gift for painting and photography. He loved the outdoors, whether biking, hill walking, kayaking or surfing. In our location visitors can lose themselves in peace and solitude, or enjoy the buzz of activity along the coast, it is all very fitting. We are passionate that Paul’s Place is more than just accommodation for a holiday but somewhere special that will be a source of strength, hope and positive memories for all who come, whatever their circumstances.”

Since the opening in April, Paul’s Place has seen a number of people benefit from the respite. Lucy Cooper, 28, stayed for three nights with her mum and sister: “Our Dad died last September and months before this Mum had been diagnosed with secondary bone cancer. While at Paul’s Place we celebrated her 56th birthday, which doctors had said she would not reach. The break was exactly what we needed – a chance to spend time together in a relaxed and beautiful place.”

Polarities and Rhythms will open at 7pm on the 17th September at Georgeham Baptist Chapel, EX33 1JJ, with refreshments provided. It continues on the Sunday 18th from 12-5pm with cream teas available at the Old Bakery (aka Paul’s Place). All art sales and donations will go directly to the charity. For more information about Paul’s Fund and Paul’s Place, visit www.pauls-fund.co.uk

A Birthday rest

On the North Devon coast in the beautiful village of Georgeham, is Paul’s Place, a B&B retreat to enable young adults who have been bereaved, face diagnosis of a life-threatening illness, or are carers, to enjoy a respite holiday and a break from everyday life.

Myself, mum, my sister and brother-in-law spent 3 nights in this wonderful place and it was all as it is aimed to be - a place of beauty and a chance to rest and relax. Best holiday in ages in a really caring evironment where you are really looked after.

While we were there we celebrated Mum's birthday, a birthday doctors said she would not reach.  She has been doing remarkably well and the medical profession are quite seriously suprised that she is not much worse.  We are grateful for this stability and she felt so happy to be alive and with us. I believe that all the prayers are helping. She said she felt special again by being cared for so well.

David, Mum and Pippa

Paul’s Place is run by an inspiring couple who have beome our friends, David and Pippa Morton. Since their 19 year old son Paul’s death in 2008, David and Pippa have dedicated their lives to helping others, particularly young adults like Paul, who are facing diagnosis of a life-threatening illness or who are processing grief after losing a loved one. Their vision was became reality in April this year when they opened Paul’s Place, in memory of their son.

David said: “Throughout his illness, Paul demonstrated a quiet determination to get on with life, sustained by his Christian faith. His sense of fun and concern for others has encouraged us to care for those in similar circumstances. Pippa and I understand the importance of a break from life’s pressure and we strive to provide somewhere special and hopeful for all who come, whatever their situation.”

Sister and Mum

The desire to channel their grief in a positive way began with the creation of a charitable trust called Paul’s Fund in 2009 and led to the couple leaving Bristol to set up the new venture earlier this year. Young adults under 30 can apply to Paul's Fund for a grant to cover costs of a week’s stay at Paul's place, alleviating any financial concerns. Please pass on this information to anyone who it could benefit - I intend to. http://www.pauls-fund.co.uk/

We had a fab time on the beach, in the sea and doing walks.  This trip gave us a chance to create new and positive memories together as a family.

Isn't that just too morbid?

It was Dying Matters Awareness week last week. They produced these findings:
"Although the majority of us think talking about death is less of a taboo than it was 20 years ago, two-thirds of us say we are not at ease discussing it, according to the survey.Only 16% of us have discussed with loved ones where we would like to die, only 18% of us have talked about the type of care and support we want at the end of our lives, and very few of us have discussed whether we have made a will or the type of funeral we want. It also revealed that most of us have used euphemisms as a way of avoiding using the words “death” and “dying”. The most commonly used being 'passed away' and 'deceased'."
A spokeswoman from Dying Matters said: "Although someone in Britain dies every minute, our research has found that many people do all they can to avoid talking about dying. Unless we talk openly about dying and death we won’t be able to get the care and support we want, where we want it at the end of our lives.”

I have to say I agree there seems to still be a taboo about death and some people talk about it as little as they possibly can - or are constantly treading on egg shells. However, the healing and grieving process and acceptance often start through talking about these deep experiences and feeling free to cry a lot.  Why would there be so many bereavement counsellors if this were not the case?  I know everyone is different but certainly for me talking about it at the appropriate times really helps.

As I grew up our family seemed more open about death than others and there was even a list on the notice board for each of them - requests for their funerals. Occasionally people express shock and I think some think it morbid for morbidity's sake. But we know there are important reasons for this - so that those surviving would be confident, informed and peaceful about the decisions for the funeral and to be truthful and open about our own mortality. Knowing what matters most to them and the legacy they would like to leave is really helpful.

Plenty of people are uncomfortable thinking or talking about death or even spending time with a grieving person maybe because of fear, because they feel it's unnaturally morbid or it makes them feel vulnerable. Obviously this subject - more than most - touches on our vulnerability.

This weekend I spent time with my Grandad (93) who is recovering in hospital after a severe fall. Being so elderly these things are not always free from complications. We had a really special time even though we all missed my Dad. I knew it wouldnt be long before Mum asked Grandad about his favourite hymns.

I think, through my experiences so far, I have become more matter-of-fact about these things - I know my mother has! I always joke that she should set up funeral consulting - but seriously - she is great at asking people (often the elder among us) whether they have written their will or funeral requests down. Hand in hand with this is her even greater openess to discussing God with friends.

At the visit Grandad was perky and gracious just like Dad. The way he spoke about the hospital was so similar and they were concerned about similar issues. He went to great lengths to emphasise that all the good stuff in his life was "God doing it - not me at all." The whole time concerned about everyone else being ok and providing for his family - exactly the same.

In a life threatening situation or serious illness - we have a need to convey our truest and deepest feelings to them before they die - how much we love and value them. Sadly not everyone gets that opportunity - that is a reason to appreciate people in your life and not take them for granted.

We shouldnt be afraid of death- I know this isnt easy because so much is tied up with it like pain and sadness. But take an opportunity to think about what you think happens when we die. If you know Jesus and have the secure hope and confidence of new life after, death has no ultimate sting - despite very painful earthly grief. 

My dream is to live my life to the full, unafraid and trusting, with open hands and pointing to Jesus all the way. This may take more than a lifetime to achieve - but I am always a work in progress.

2 Corinthians 4:18 (New International Version)
18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

You've got the love

I am so so priviledged to have friends who are like my family. I dont think everyone can say they have that.  They accept and love me as just as I am. Like the Bridget Jones quote - not less emotional or thinner or prettier? No, just as you are. Wow - I am so grateful!

I spent the weekend with people who do just that and I became a Godparent too. Then on the Monday, instead of feeling sorry for myself like I nearly did, I just arrived in a family home and just fitted in with the proceedings as if it was normal. Tea, kids, homework, games and chat - such a delight.

I just heard 'You've got the love' on the radio.  I love it. It is still really popular and it has been covered more than 3 times, most recently by Florence and the Machine. Obviously it is a song with a clear Christian message but everytime I hear it - it really speaks to me too. The theme behind the song is one of uplift and empowerment.

There are times when feelings overwhelm and I do feel like giving up and cant see the point of trying to keep going . Quite recently it has seemed hard to keep going with normal everyday things - I get distracted and spaced out - finding decisions a challenge. 

However, these lyrics remind us never to give up on hope. Circumstances change, friends can change or let you down but God is good always.

These words reminds me that I really do believe, with all my heart, that He has the love I need to see me through anything that I am faced with and every feeling I can possibly ever feel.

Maybe think about what these words mean to you, if anything. Go on - feel the love!

You've got the love - lyrics
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need To see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you've got the love I need to see me through


When food is gone you are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know my Saviour's love is real
You know it's real


You've got the love
You've got the love
You've got the love

Time after time I think "Oh Lord what's the use?"
Time after time I think it's just no good
Sooner or later in life, the things you love you lose
But you got the love I need to see me through


You've got the love
You've got the love
You've got the love


Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need to see me through

Choose hope not cynicism

I acknowledge that over the years as I grow older, I have gradually let cynicism in.  It is so easy for me to revert to cynicism when we are presented problems that seem impossible or a vision that seems just too unrealistic.

To stick with Jesus on this journey is far from easy. I know that some of our close friends are finding it particularly painful. I really hope that some of these words will encourage us all to move forward positively. 

Jim Wallis came over to speak at a work event last week and his message was really powerful and had a personal impact. He said of the British media that they agree about all the problems of the world but were full of cynicism. “Their response to me is “you are right Jim, but there is nothing we can do. We are just hurtling towards destruction, it will never change,”

“There are two types of people – the Saints and the Cynics - who see the world realistically. The difference is that the Saints make a choice to act in hope and the Cynics give you reasons for never acting. Cynicism is a buffer against commitment.

The more I think about this the more I realise that cynicism can so easily be an excuse not to commit to making a change or believing in something.  Its a get out clause.  So whilst its hard to keep going on this path I believe its the only thing we can do. Hope is a choice and a decision!

When thinking about the injustices in the world such as poverty, climate change, human trafficking, malnutrition, war and disease, this applies also.  We could just quote "the poor will always be with us" (which Jim says is a misquote btw) or "my tiny bit wont make a difference" but this is a true challenge to us to choose our attitude.

Jim continued: “Hope is not a feeling, or a mood, or being a cup half-full person. It is the decision you make and it comes from this thing we call faith. Hebrews says faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. My best paraphrase of that text is this: Hope is believing despite the evidence and watching the evidence change."

Wow that phrase grabbed me: "Hope is believing despite the evidence and watching the evidence change". But what does this mean in my personal context? It means that despite the diagnosis for my mum's bones we should not lose faith that healing can happen.

Two more things I took away: "We look around us and only see mountains that seem too big to move. But we must remember that we are in the mountain-moving business! Faith prompts hope; hope causes action; action leads to change."

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Hebrews 6:19 (The Message): "We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us"

Psalm 71:14 (New International Version ): "As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more."

Plodding on with Grandma

Sometimes its hard to keep things in perspective. Everywhere I turn I seem to hear sad news and difficulties that my friends and family are going through.  It is really hard to keep all things balanced and sometimes I wonder if I am a bit of an emotional wreck - one minute being upbeat and the next feeling desperate. 

About 7 years ago all my family were gathered for a meal and my Granddad (dad's side) told us how he may not be here the next time we get together. Everyone went silent and did not know how to respond to this bombshell. Suddenly I came out with "oh well, plod on". Ever since that day I have been teased by other members of my family for saying this phrase, I guess because it sounded endearing but a little bit flipant in the context. Also Granddad's still going today at 95.

I have also been spending a lot of time with my mum and I have been living back with her for about 4/5 out of 7 nights a week. One day when a friend was with her I went to visit my Grandma (mum's side).  As I went to her church with her I had a fresh revelation of what an amazing woman she is.  Whilst I am used to her encouraging phrases down the phone, it was only when I heard her say them to someone completely new and young that it dawned on me how special she is, passing on her pearls of wisdom.  Her three Ps are her favourite saying "Plod on, Press on and Pray on". She really lives this and is the best prayer warrior I know.

So even though I cringe occasionally when I get the little 3 P sermon, I know that this advice is exactly what I need to truly take on board at this time of my life.  Despite darkness, fear and uncertainty I will try and do all 3 because I know it will be worth it in the end to say that I did not give up fighting.

These words to an oldie hymn served as my reminder to hold steadfast and keep plodding on!
Jesus, I have promised to serve you till the end;
Be always with me, my master and my friend
I will not fear the battle if you are by my side
nor wander from the pathway if you you will be my guide

Let me see your foot-marks, and in them plant my own;
My hope to follow duly is in your strength alone:
Guide me, call me, draw me, uphold me to the end;
Then in heaven receive me, my Saviour and my friend.

Scripture that reminds me of my hope: (thanks for the prompt Creatormade):

2 Corinthians: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (NIV)

Hebrews 11.1: "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see". (NLT)