Hopeful Daughter

Consultant Day - Living on a prayer

2012-03-01T19:33:00.001Z

Oncology Consultations have become a part of life but no matter how many times we sit in a waiting room to be called up - always asking more questions than they can answer - you have to fight a bit of fear. I know the words can't be worse but you wonder whether this is finally the moment when the stability ends.

This time mum started up a conversation with a lady - sharing cancer/chemo journeys. It was slightly awkward when the lady, after mentioning her brain tumour and mum about Dad's, said: "don't tell me, he's no longer here?" ...hmm awkward expression.

This week I have been challenged to trust Jesus with the future and surrender my hopes and fears afresh. Standing on the top of a mountain, away from the busyness, is an awesome way to get things back into perspective. I received a fresh dose of confidence that anything that comes against us will not be more than we can handle with His presence and help.

Anyway, we had pretty positive results. Dr was suprised she was walking so well without sticks because the scan showed a curved spine. The infected bone cells have not reduced but equally it has not spread further which is so amazing considering the original prognosis and how far she has come beyond it - yay. The picture is stable and they are impressed there has been no dramatic expected increased uptake. As always we have to be aware that things could change dramatically anyday but we are really thankful to God to receive such news.

This continued stability really is testimony to a huge amount of prayer. When she went up to Ffald y Brenin she felt that God was continuing to work despite not seeing a huge physical breakthrough. The side effects, tiredness and pain continue to be very difficult for her to bare so we continue to live on prayer. We are still holding out for full healing but are so grateful to a God who is always faithful regardless of whether we understand what He is up to or not and no matter what happens.

I pray that, whatever you are facing, you will be able to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. Eph 3:18.

Arts Festival in Devon village will raise awareness of Paul's Place

2011-09-07T19:34:00.000+01:00

This is something I have been helping promote and quoted in. Me and my family really benefitted from our stay at Paul's Place. Its a wonderful charity and run by truly inspiring people. If your in North Devon go along, if not tell people about this wonderful opportunity for young adults who need it to have a great break. Lucy x

7th September 2011

GEORGEHAM TO GO ARTY TO RAISE AWARENESS OF PAUL’S PLACE
Arts Festival will aid new charity providing breaks for young adults facing bereavement or a life-threatening illness.

Georgeham Arts Festival will raise awareness of Paul’s Fund and Paul’s Place, a charity and B&B retreat centre that opened its doors earlier this year. The festival will inspire this picturesque village just inland from Croyde, with live music and a vibrant art and photography exhibition the weekend of 16-18 September.

Paul’s Fund and Paul’s Place provide a chance for young adults, who are experiencing bereavement or a life-threatening illness, to have a much needed break on the stunning North Devon coast. The death of their 19 year old son Paul, from a brain tumour in 2008, motivated David and Pippa Morton to move to Georgeham to bring comfort to others and set up a B&B which is also used as the retreat and has self-catering facilities.

The weekend of free events will kick off with an evening of live music at the Kings Arms Pub on Friday 16th. The Polarities and Rhythms exhibition, opening on Saturday evening, features North Devon artists such as published illustrator Miriam Latimer and painter Paul Kenton. It will also profile some of Paul Morton’s own photography, and submissions from recent fine art, graphics, illustration and film graduates, as well as the local Georgeham Arts Group. Visitors can browse the collection or purchase pieces and are also invited to visit Paul’s Place for a cream tea on Sunday afternoon.

The Arts Festival is organised by some of Paul’s old school friends from Bristol to support his parents in the venture and raise funds to help other young adults in difficult life circumstances.

A close friend of Paul and co-ordinator of the exhibition, Jo Stockdale,23, spoke of her motivation for being involved and the passion she has for Paul’s Place: “My father died of a brain tumour when I was a teenager, so I really understand the value of ‘time out’ from everyday life to rebuild lost strength. This is why I wanted to organise a fundraising event. The focus on 18-30 year olds is so important. Often this age bracket is neglected among respite charities. Let’s enable more young adults to stay at Paul’s Place and get the rest and recuperation they need.”

David and Pippa Morton said: “It is a delight to host such a positive event which enables us to let people know about our facilities and the vision”

David added: “Paul was an unassuming young man, but he was musical, and had a gift for painting and photography. He loved the outdoors, whether biking, hill walking, kayaking or surfing. In our location visitors can lose themselves in peace and solitude, or enjoy the buzz of activity along the coast, it is all very fitting. We are passionate that Paul’s Place is more than just accommodation for a holiday but somewhere special that will be a source of strength, hope and positive memories for all who come, whatever their circumstances.”

Since the opening in April, Paul’s Place has seen a number of people benefit from the respite. Lucy Cooper, 28, stayed for three nights with her mum and sister: “Our Dad died last September and months before this Mum had been diagnosed with secondary bone cancer. While at Paul’s Place we celebrated her 56th birthday, which doctors had said she would not reach. The break was exactly what we needed – a chance to spend time together in a relaxed and beautiful place.”

Polarities and Rhythms will open at 7pm on the 17th September at Georgeham Baptist Chapel, EX33 1JJ, with refreshments provided. It continues on the Sunday 18th from 12-5pm with cream teas available at the Old Bakery (aka Paul’s Place). All art sales and donations will go directly to the charity. For more information about Paul’s Fund and Paul’s Place, visit www.pauls-fund.co.uk

A Birthday rest

2011-06-25T16:09:00.001+01:00

On the North Devon coast in the beautiful village of Georgeham, is Paul’s Place, a B&B retreat to enable young adults who have been bereaved, face diagnosis of a life-threatening illness, or are carers, to enjoy a respite holiday and a break from everyday life.

Myself, mum, my sister and brother-in-law spent 3 nights in this wonderful place and it was all as it is aimed to be - a place of beauty and a chance to rest and relax. Best holiday in ages in a really caring evironment where you are really looked after.

While we were there we celebrated Mum's birthday, a birthday doctors said she would not reach. She has been doing remarkably well and the medical profession are quite seriously suprised that she is not much worse. We are grateful for this stability and she felt so happy to be alive and with us. I believe that all the prayers are helping. She said she felt special again by being cared for so well.

David, Mum and Pippa

Paul’s Place is run by an inspiring couple who have beome our friends, David and Pippa Morton. Since their 19 year old son Paul’s death in 2008, David and Pippa have dedicated their lives to helping others, particularly young adults like Paul, who are facing diagnosis of a life-threatening illness or who are processing grief after losing a loved one. Their vision was became reality in April this year when they opened Paul’s Place, in memory of their son.

David said: “Throughout his illness, Paul demonstrated a quiet determination to get on with life, sustained by his Christian faith. His sense of fun and concern for others has encouraged us to care for those in similar circumstances. Pippa and I understand the importance of a break from life’s pressure and we strive to provide somewhere special and hopeful for all who come, whatever their situation.”

Sister and Mum

The desire to channel their grief in a positive way began with the creation of a charitable trust called Paul’s Fund in 2009 and led to the couple leaving Bristol to set up the new venture earlier this year. Young adults under 30 can apply to Paul's Fund for a grant to cover costs of a week’s stay at Paul's place, alleviating any financial concerns. Please pass on this information to anyone who it could benefit - I intend to. http://www.pauls-fund.co.uk/

We had a fab time on the beach, in the sea and doing walks. This trip gave us a chance to create new and positive memories together as a family.

Isn't that just too morbid?

2011-05-26T22:49:00.002+01:00

It was Dying Matters Awareness week last week. They produced these findings:
"Although the majority of us think talking about death is less of a taboo than it was 20 years ago, two-thirds of us say we are not at ease discussing it, according to the survey.Only 16% of us have discussed with loved ones where we would like to die, only 18% of us have talked about the type of care and support we want at the end of our lives, and very few of us have discussed whether we have made a will or the type of funeral we want. It also revealed that most of us have used euphemisms as a way of avoiding using the words “death” and “dying”. The most commonly used being 'passed away' and 'deceased'."
A spokeswoman from Dying Matters said: "Although someone in Britain dies every minute, our research has found that many people do all they can to avoid talking about dying. Unless we talk openly about dying and death we won’t be able to get the care and support we want, where we want it at the end of our lives.”

I have to say I agree there seems to still be a taboo about death and some people talk about it as little as they possibly can - or are constantly treading on egg shells. However, the healing and grieving process and acceptance often start through talking about these deep experiences and feeling free to cry a lot. Why would there be so many bereavement counsellors if this were not the case? I know everyone is different but certainly for me talking about it at the appropriate times really helps.

As I grew up our family seemed more open about death than others and there was even a list on the notice board for each of them - requests for their funerals. Occasionally people express shock and I think some think it morbid for morbidity's sake. But we know there are important reasons for this - so that those surviving would be confident, informed and peaceful about the decisions for the funeral and to be truthful and open about our own mortality. Knowing what matters most to them and the legacy they would like to leave is really helpful.

Plenty of people are uncomfortable thinking or talking about death or even spending time with a grieving person maybe because of fear, because they feel it's unnaturally morbid or it makes them feel vulnerable. Obviously this subject - more than most - touches on our vulnerability.

This weekend I spent time with my Grandad (93) who is recovering in hospital after a severe fall. Being so elderly these things are not always free from complications. We had a really special time even though we all missed my Dad. I knew it wouldnt be long before Mum asked Grandad about his favourite hymns.

I think, through my experiences so far, I have become more matter-of-fact about these things - I know my mother has! I always joke that she should set up funeral consulting - but seriously - she is great at asking people (often the elder among us) whether they have written their will or funeral requests down. Hand in hand with this is her even greater openess to discussing God with friends.

At the visit Grandad was perky and gracious just like Dad. The way he spoke about the hospital was so similar and they were concerned about similar issues. He went to great lengths to emphasise that all the good stuff in his life was "God doing it - not me at all." The whole time concerned about everyone else being ok and providing for his family - exactly the same.

In a life threatening situation or serious illness - we have a need to convey our truest and deepest feelings to them before they die - how much we love and value them. Sadly not everyone gets that opportunity - that is a reason to appreciate people in your life and not take them for granted.

We shouldnt be afraid of death- I know this isnt easy because so much is tied up with it like pain and sadness. But take an opportunity to think about what you think happens when we die. If you know Jesus and have the secure hope and confidence of new life after, death has no ultimate sting - despite very painful earthly grief.

My dream is to live my life to the full, unafraid and trusting, with open hands and pointing to Jesus all the way. This may take more than a lifetime to achieve - but I am always a work in progress.

2 Corinthians 4:18 (New International Version)
18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

You've got the love

2011-02-09T19:42:00.000Z

I am so so priviledged to have friends who are like my family. I dont think everyone can say they have that. They accept and love me as just as I am. Like the Bridget Jones quote - not less emotional or thinner or prettier? No, just as you are. Wow - I am so grateful!

I spent the weekend with people who do just that and I became a Godparent too. Then on the Monday, instead of feeling sorry for myself like I nearly did, I just arrived in a family home and just fitted in with the proceedings as if it was normal. Tea, kids, homework, games and chat - such a delight.

I just heard 'You've got the love' on the radio. I love it. It is still really popular and it has been covered more than 3 times, most recently by Florence and the Machine. Obviously it is a song with a clear Christian message but everytime I hear it - it really speaks to me too. The theme behind the song is one of uplift and empowerment.

There are times when feelings overwhelm and I do feel like giving up and cant see the point of trying to keep going . Quite recently it has seemed hard to keep going with normal everyday things - I get distracted and spaced out - finding decisions a challenge.

However, these lyrics remind us never to give up on hope. Circumstances change, friends can change or let you down but God is good always.

These words reminds me that I really do believe, with all my heart, that He has the love I need to see me through anything that I am faced with and every feeling I can possibly ever feel.

Maybe think about what these words mean to you, if anything. Go on - feel the love!

You've got the love - lyrics
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need To see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you've got the love I need to see me through

When food is gone you are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know my Saviour's love is real
You know it's real

You've got the love
You've got the love
You've got the love

Time after time I think "Oh Lord what's the use?"
Time after time I think it's just no good
Sooner or later in life, the things you love you lose
But you got the love I need to see me through

You've got the love
You've got the love
You've got the love

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need to see me through

Choose hope not cynicism

2010-12-03T18:42:00.000Z

I acknowledge that over the years as I grow older, I have gradually let cynicism in. It is so easy for me to revert to cynicism when we are presented problems that seem impossible or a vision that seems just too unrealistic.

To stick with Jesus on this journey is far from easy. I know that some of our close friends are finding it particularly painful. I really hope that some of these words will encourage us all to move forward positively.

Jim Wallis came over to speak at a work event last week and his message was really powerful and had a personal impact. He said of the British media that they agree about all the problems of the world but were full of cynicism. “Their response to me is “you are right Jim, but there is nothing we can do. We are just hurtling towards destruction, it will never change,”

“There are two types of people – the Saints and the Cynics - who see the world realistically. The difference is that the Saints make a choice to act in hope and the Cynics give you reasons for never acting. Cynicism is a buffer against commitment.

The more I think about this the more I realise that cynicism can so easily be an excuse not to commit to making a change or believing in something. Its a get out clause. So whilst its hard to keep going on this path I believe its the only thing we can do. Hope is a choice and a decision!

When thinking about the injustices in the world such as poverty, climate change, human trafficking, malnutrition, war and disease, this applies also. We could just quote "the poor will always be with us" (which Jim says is a misquote btw) or "my tiny bit wont make a difference" but this is a true challenge to us to choose our attitude.

Jim continued: “Hope is not a feeling, or a mood, or being a cup half-full person. It is the decision you make and it comes from this thing we call faith. Hebrews says faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. My best paraphrase of that text is this: Hope is believing despite the evidence and watching the evidence change."

Wow that phrase grabbed me: "Hope is believing despite the evidence and watching the evidence change". But what does this mean in my personal context? It means that despite the diagnosis for my mum's bones we should not lose faith that healing can happen.

Two more things I took away: "We look around us and only see mountains that seem too big to move. But we must remember that we are in the mountain-moving business! Faith prompts hope; hope causes action; action leads to change."

-----
Hebrews 6:19 (The Message): "We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us"

Psalm 71:14 (New International Version ): "As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more."

Plodding on with Grandma

2010-11-27T19:16:00.000Z

Sometimes its hard to keep things in perspective. Everywhere I turn I seem to hear sad news and difficulties that my friends and family are going through. It is really hard to keep all things balanced and sometimes I wonder if I am a bit of an emotional wreck - one minute being upbeat and the next feeling desperate.

About 7 years ago all my family were gathered for a meal and my Granddad (dad's side) told us how he may not be here the next time we get together. Everyone went silent and did not know how to respond to this bombshell. Suddenly I came out with "oh well, plod on". Ever since that day I have been teased by other members of my family for saying this phrase, I guess because it sounded endearing but a little bit flipant in the context. Also Granddad's still going today at 95.

I have also been spending a lot of time with my mum and I have been living back with her for about 4/5 out of 7 nights a week. One day when a friend was with her I went to visit my Grandma (mum's side). As I went to her church with her I had a fresh revelation of what an amazing woman she is. Whilst I am used to her encouraging phrases down the phone, it was only when I heard her say them to someone completely new and young that it dawned on me how special she is, passing on her pearls of wisdom. Her three Ps are her favourite saying "Plod on, Press on and Pray on". She really lives this and is the best prayer warrior I know.

So even though I cringe occasionally when I get the little 3 P sermon, I know that this advice is exactly what I need to truly take on board at this time of my life. Despite darkness, fear and uncertainty I will try and do all 3 because I know it will be worth it in the end to say that I did not give up fighting.

These words to an oldie hymn served as my reminder to hold steadfast and keep plodding on!
Jesus, I have promised to serve you till the end;
Be always with me, my master and my friend
I will not fear the battle if you are by my side
nor wander from the pathway if you you will be my guide

Let me see your foot-marks, and in them plant my own;
My hope to follow duly is in your strength alone:
Guide me, call me, draw me, uphold me to the end;
Then in heaven receive me, my Saviour and my friend.

Scripture that reminds me of my hope: (thanks for the prompt Creatormade):

2 Corinthians: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (NIV)

Hebrews 11.1: "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see". (NLT)

Still I will sing

2010-10-28T19:34:00.001+01:00

Ive always loved singing. Its one of the main things that makes me me. I can sing about most things and often sing when I am in the strangest of moods, happy or sad. Then there is that odd moment where the emotion grabs and overwhelms. These moments are usually because I am feeling God's presence, or declaring how good God is or realising his love for me afresh despite what I think of myself. Often these are the moments when I am singing through blimin gritted teeth and not feeling like singing at all. I usually end up mouthing the words to avoid unflattering squeeks.

I just felt the need to remind myself of this song 'When Silence Falls' which pretty much sums it up.

Version with 29th Chapter rap:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdFqSaz1xTI&p=DCBACACD927FA5D3&index=33&feature=BF

More Classic version with Tim's verses and better images: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWUimGv_xrU

this grief malarky

2010-10-06T23:45:00.001+01:00

The week following my Dad's death all four of us immersed ourselves into really hard work preparing for the 2 services we had scheduled for the following Monday. We are a unique family and Dad was too so we went all out and pull out every stop. Emailing, designing, phone calls, meetings, arguments, photo searching, tribute collecting, writing, decorating, painting, printing, cutting, sticking, digging out belongings, arranging and so many more tasks filled our days to the brim. We certainly had no time to sit down and be miserable for even a minute. It was quite amusing when my brother-in-law's boss said that they would ease him back in gradually and he had been working harder than ever on his compassionate leave.

This for us was the way we wanted to do it because we were keen to give Dad the best send off ever and a thanksgiving service he would have been proud of and done himself. Most people would not have even attempted some of the stuff that happened in such a short time frame but we succeeded by the grace of God and it really couldnt have been better - thanks to the help of so many willing volunteers and friends.

We have been very encouraged and supported by friends and family with loads of lovely heartfelt messages, kind words and flowers - thanks everyone! I have kept my cards up so that I can re-read them when I need.

They say that there are stages of grief and they go in a particular order - but I think that, like most things in life, it depends who you are and the situation you are in. We all cope differently and have different personality types and emotional wiring. I have definately found that I am not a conventional person.

Most of the time over the last couple of weeks I just honestly dont know what to say when people ask how I am - I actually dont know! What I do know is that I am really tired - much more than normal and I dream of sleep all day and then at night cant get any. So sorry if you dont feel you know how to talk to me or whether I want to talk or not. The answer is I may vary hugely and also even flip within a small amount of minutes.

My biggest fear now is that we wont have my mum for long BUT I know I have to be grateful for the time I have her and really value her in my life. I will try to keep walking the tightrope of balance between believing God fully for a miracle and keeping asking but also acknowledging inevitable feelings.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow - as my Dad would sing

Definately see ya later, Dad

2010-09-15T08:27:00.000+01:00

After what seems like the most painful week next to Dad, in bad pain at times, and getting worse so gradually, he finally entered into heaven on Sunday morning. He is healed in the most ultimate way now.

At 5.30 we gathered round his bed and had an amazing prayer time. Not praying for his soul (cos we were sure of where that had gone) but thanking God for his life and praying for God to be in our situation. As I looked at my Daddy without breath it really hit home in a sad but hopeful way that the real him wasnt there anymore - just his body.

I had spent quite a few days in that nursing home desperately wondering what God was up to, in terms of the timing, but the more we think about it now we realise it was His perfect timing. The day before, my sister and mum saw a sunset and key visitors arrived - a close friend and his Father (95yrs) and brother. That evening we watched last night of the Proms and I sang along to most of the tunes. When it came to 'You will never walk alone' both my sister and I sang it to our Dad together (to us it is not so symbolic of football as with everyone else) and he opened his eyes for a few seconds for the final time - wow emotional!

Also, we reached the point (of instead of just thinking it) we were actually saying out loud: "Its ok you can go to heaven now, you can go with Jesus and you can trust us to Him too, we love you, goodbye."

At one stage I was concerned about how we may need to read the Bible and remind Dad about Jesus' truth so he doesn't forget. My incredible and wise sister just said: "we don't need to remind him. Jesus is written right across his heart." Of course - If we hadnt talked about Jesus all week it wouldnt have changed a thing.

I feel like the word we would choose for this situation is not 'relieved' but 'released'. Throughout his illness Dad had spontaneously burst into a rendition of 'Rejoice in the Lord always' or 'Praise God from whom all blessings flow' - now he is singing worship forever more, he is loving it and how cool.

You know in those ghost films when the person raises up and looks down on their family crying over their body? - it entered into my head, at the time, that maybe Dad could see us doing that. Then those thoughts were quashed with a reassuring discussion about how he would be so overwhelmed with seeing Jesus face to face that why on earth would he look back at us or this broken world when he has moved to God's house!

Heaven must be indescribable. We have also been talking about (which kind of twists your mind a little) the thought that God and heaven are outside earthly time. Therefore I believe that Dad wont be waiting up there for years going, "heaven is fun and all that but when are my family going to get here?" We reckon it would feel like we are arriving together.

So we are very sad yes and life will never be the same again but we will choose to be thankful, keep singing (even if through gritted teeth) and know that His will is perfect.

So it isnt goodbye forever, it is definately 'see ya later'.

Tensions and Timing

2010-09-08T21:24:00.001+01:00

What a tough week!

For the last few days we have been living (except actually sleeping for me and my sister) at the nursing home. This is set to continue till the weekend at least. After a deterioration last Saturday the doctors announced that we were on the final stretch and should prepare to lose Dad within a week.

Most people including medical staff have absolutely no idea what the last 14 months have been like for us all and that really we have been preparing and kind of grieving in part since the diagnosis day - such a rollercoaster of different phases, personalities, symptoms and circumstances.

Our Vicar came this lunch time and as a family we shared communion. It was really special. The readings that he shared were so relevant as they reflected the tensions we have to hold together. It was a memory I will treasure.

The tension that we, in our suffering, are crying out to God to help us but yet we stand sure of our eternal security and hope and are thankful for his presence.

And the other tension - the longing for Dad to stay with us against the very real and honest desire for him to go now and to be released from his pain.

All this time I have been petrified about the pain and heartache of loss I would feel when it actually happened and this has not really changed. I also realise that despite how prepared we should be after all this time I suddenly feel totally unprepared. However today I found myself praying for God to take him quickly. The hardest thing would be for us to have to continue this for weeks still as he is in discomfort. However it is all in His timing and I just have to accept that.

There are 2 tracks of healing - one to full physical healing and health and one to death and full healing in heaven. There is no better place for Dad than in the presence of Jesus seeing him face to face. Sometimes it is easy to forget about the excitement about heaven when we cant see past our sadness on earth.
I was sad to hear the news of the death of a little 18 month old Quinn who had been prayed for by so many people but that family are holding on to a God who is faithful even when we dont understand and feel a little faith-less.

The other day I went out for a walk with Dad in the wheelchair and he joined in with me and we sang my favourite song 'Faithful One' So relevant and special to me at this time.

Faithful One so unchanging

Ageless One You’re my rock of peace
Lord of all I depend on You
I call out to You, again and again
I call out to You, again and again

You are my rock in times of trouble
You lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is the anchor
My hope is in You alone

This evening a family friend reminded me about a phrase from Pete Grieg's book God on Mute. We are desperate for God to airlift us out of the situation but then we realise that Jesus has Parachuted in to the situation and with us.

If you pray , please pray for peace for Dad and for us all at this time.

A hint in the right direction

2010-08-24T15:32:00.000+01:00

Just a short update:
Scan results in for Mum. Last week we received some welcome news. The scan results revealed that the tumours have not spread further, as they would have expected them to, and the Chemo is having some effect.

This has helped us all feel more positive so Praise God.

We will continue to pray for a full healing.

Doh - a sense of reality

2010-08-21T22:53:00.000+01:00

It was the strangest feeling as I walked out of the cinema after the amazing film that is 'Inception'. I get really involved in films so I got quite tense when it was all hanging in the balance and when the credits finally rolled I actually had to tell myself that I was in THE real reality and this was THE real bump back to it.

Yes it is, London, 11pm, Orange wednesday. Yes it is a reality that I cant escape from. I almost felt the burdens, which I had blanked for 2 1/2 odeon hours, load back on to my shoulders.

Then I had one of those 'wow' moments walking up my road and this will likely sound cheesy but hey ho. I thought; hang on one minute. This is reality - yes and it does seem rubbish sometimes - yes and sometimes I want to be in any dream world rather than this one - yes. BUT within this same reality (this earth) I can actually still experience the most amazing and uplifting reality ever: the reality of being able to know my Creator personally!

The film is well made with a clever plot and provokes the viewer to ask questions of the characters, the ending and the concepts it represents.

However I try to distract myself from reality I know deep down that none of these distractions last long, just like the dreams. I know that one minute spent in His presence is better than thousands elsewhere and I can lay my burdens down there. If I know all this then why on earth do I forget and so often go everywhere else for comfort before God?! Doh!

Is hope found in the worlds we create for ourselves or is it found in the harsh reality of the world we find ourselves in? This is the messed-up world that Jesus died for.

Sad Sherlock

2010-08-20T17:17:00.000+01:00

One of my favourite programmes is 'That Mitchell and Webb Look'. On Tuesday I switched over and was pleased to have half an hour of a comedy sketch show to watch with Dad in the home on a Tuesday night.
I certainly wasnt prepared for the final sketch of this 'comedy' to be filled with such irony, sadness and poigniancy about an Old Sherlock Holmes!

Watch a Sherlock suffering from Dementia and how he interacts with Dr Watson on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pp02ubGuTIU

I couldnt hide myself from the fact that the subject of this sketch was just a bit too close to home for me and maybe many others with relatives with other diseases such as Alzheimers. The last minute especially is rather powerfully heartbreaking as Sherlock has a moment of "clarity" and reveals to Dr Watson: "I know, I do know, I just cant get the fog to clear"

Last week the pair had joked about how Blackadder ended their series with a sad and serious scene (lads climbing over a trench wall into German gunfire) so the ending of this episode/series they had ripped that idea off and fulfilled it in their own show.

Now I know that Mitchell and Webb sketches are often close to the mark and often this kind of comedy would likely be offensive to one group or other but this one for me was not really offensive as such but left me incredibly moved. Maybe they wanted to show that they can actually act (and they really can) but also did they want to go straight from the comedy into serious to make it more hard hitting and thought-provoking? Bringing age, ill health and time to a fictional character. I was expecting a final laugh but it ended very emotionally.

What made me think even more about this was that, although Dad doesnt make sense of much at all, he said to me a few minutes later. "As long as it doesnt end up like on that show" - gulp!

All the comments I have come across on the web have said that people have cried or were sad and that it was slightly unwelcome but yet it was very clever. We tend to be uneasy about laughing at much of it because of the state of real people, like my dad and others in homes, but maybe this hints to us that laughing and other emotions are actually not as far apart from each other as we think they are.

What do you think?

Not "why?" but "what now?"

2010-08-17T16:42:00.000+01:00

I am an emotional person but usually in public I manage to cry in a civilised fashion with just a couple of tear marks on my cheeks. Not so back in February. I lost all composure and frankly didn’t have the capacity to care about what on earth the people on my packed train were thinking. I was ‘proper balling it’ as they say in Essex, with extra noise, blubbering and undignified sniffing.

I had just received a call from the hospital asking me to gather the family together for a meeting with the consultant to hear a diagnosis for mum. At this point she had been in hospital for 4 weeks with a visiting ban in place and all the nurse had revealed to me on the phone was an acknowledgement that it was ‘serious’. Despite actually having no idea what was really wrong and how much I could have been blowing it all out of proportion, it hurt lots! I reasoned that maybe our family’s bar of what is ‘serious’ had been set quite high since Dad and maybe I was just thinking worst case scenario?

When my fears were confirmed I was really angry all of a sudden. Why did you have to prove my fears right God? For the first time in my life I want to be proven wrong! Why would you allow this to happen to us twice? I can cope with one parent with cancer but two – really!?

After a few weeks of feeling completely overwhelmed I began slowly to look beyond my immediate circumstances and realise the world around me again. I began to think that maybe “Why?” was the wrong question for me to be asking.

I don’t ask God why I was born into a loving family, why my health has been ok so far or why I was born in the rich West with a roof over my head and money, not just for food, but for all kinds of luxuries. No - it seems to be just the bad times when we may ask this question. Had I been acting as if I have some kind of inherent right that things should go well and that my life plan should go the way my culture tells me it should? What about the family in Pakistan who are cut off from aid, whose children are now open to all kinds of disease from flood waters, and their home has been swept away?

Life just isn’t about rights or what we deserve or don’t deserve. Grace is above all that.

To manage to look beyond difficult circumstances is very hard to do when storms come. Battening down the hatches and waiting it out seems like the only option. However, lifting our head and looking outwards puts things in perspective even if it risks danger or pain. It enables us to continue living life again and being grateful for what we have. So, we have a chance to shift focus to asking the question “what now?”

How will we respond when troubles come? When the cares of life are overwhelming and our heart is sinking down will we fix our eyes on the hope of glory, on the one who can provide peace beyond our understanding?

I’m still working out my personal response as time moves on and sometimes it is a long learning process but I really don’t want to end up bitter or holding on to my wounds.

God doesn’t reveal his grand design for life or His ultimate purposes to us - but he does reveal Himself and ‘I like’!

The God of Order and Logic

2010-08-11T19:02:00.003+01:00

I finished my visit with Dad in the Nursing home the other day with a prayer as usual. He prayed for at least 10 minutes to God who is the “God of order and logic” to come in and sort out our mess and muddle. Whilst to begin with this sounded silly to me as I guess I had not put it high on my list of God’s qualities. God doesn’t fall into a Myers Briggs type box; logical or creative he can be all things rolled into 1. The more I thought about this the more I realised that this made sense and it was coming out of what my Dad was experiencing inside his head. He has found it so hard to communicate to us just what kind of world he lives in now. “It’s just a muddle and a mess” he says.

It is not like some alzheimers sufferers who may not realise they are in a muddle and are in kind of a happy muddled world – no, he knows things are wrong which is must be even harder for him to conquer the frustration. Over 14 months we have seen this horrible tumour take over bit by bit with changes of personality, mood swings, confusion and memory loss– it’s quite scary really. We are still resisting its advances as much as we all can and my Dad is still himself in many amazing ways like his humour, his care for us and he is still very spiritually connected which is great. His prayers are really something else – very powerful!

My Father has always been a very detailed, pedantic, intelligent person and he would often spend his time correcting grammar, proof-reading mum’s reports and we share the same passion for good quality writing. Even though so much of this is lost now - and he can’t even use his computer anymore – his occasional high quality vocabulary demonstrates that his intelligence is still very much there (just clouded over a bit). He is so desperate to make some sense – “I’m talking a load of twaddle again aren’t I?” he says.

At times he insists things that certain objects are not what they are or what we tell him they are. My Dad – previously a quality assurance engineer in Marconi – was insisting to me that he needed to take the power lead from the radio into the bathroom to plug into the toilet to make it work! His brain is telling him different stuff. He still has a keen ear and picks up on stuff from others and the telly. He hears Eastenders in the background talking about a wedding dress and the next conversation 10 minutes later he is expressing concern that we have to sort out a dress for a wedding deadline and it is all his responsibility. A few weeks ago we would talk about someone who is elsewhere and then for the next half an hour that person is hiding behind the curtains or under the bed.

It is very much the Brain tumour that has caused all his suffering but through it all he knows that God has all the positive traits and gifts he needs to help sort him out – a bit of order and logic!

God is wholly good and all things come from him so let us praise our God who can bring order and logic and goodness to our human chaos. Even when we can’t see any clarity, logic or reasons – He is still to be trusted and will ultimately bring right this muddled and messed up world in his timing.

Where do I start?

2010-08-03T17:05:00.000+01:00

I have been thinking about blogging for quite a while and I still dont know if anyone will be interested in my musings but even if it is just for my own benefit, that is fine. I want to try and share aswell as gain some helpful and hopeful and life-giving nuggets (for want of a better word) as well as being real and honest about the experience. God's grace has been getting me through this far and grace will lead me home.

It has been a long 14 months since my Dad's diagnosis with a Gliobastoma Multiforme level 4 brain tumour in June 2009 which started this emotional rollercoaster ride. Mum's diagnosis followed this year in February of widely spread secondary bone cancer (with unknown primary). Even though its been 6 months since that and I have got used to the facts, I still struggle when the reality hits me each day.

I'm gonna have to think how to start this blog and give some history to personality and progression of illness while not letting myself get carried away with unecessary length. I'll be back soon once I have thought it out.